UCB

Snohomo

2012-01-27T14:12:00.000-08:00

What we did on our ~~summer~~ Seattle vacation.

2011-12-24T15:13:00.000-08:00

Post card and Big hug from France

Vous me manquez les copains...

JOYEUX NOEL à TOUS!

Collab anyone?

2011-10-22T09:53:00.000-07:00

This gem is begging for a large scale, international, multi-instrument collab to raise awareness of P-cow. C'mon, these cars aren't gonna sell themselves! Anyone, anyone?

For Grumpy

2011-09-22T10:42:00.000-07:00

OMGWTFROFLMAOETC.

After Eddie Vedder's Ukulele album came out, we were inundated with Youtube videos by Eddie wannabes. But the King takes the cake. And eats it.
Keep watching till the end. Worth it.

For Adelle

2011-09-19T09:46:00.000-07:00

Adelle mentioned in an earlier post that I haven't posted any female Asian Ukulele players recently. Frankly there are too many cute women making ukulele videos nowadays. Makes a 46 year old male a bit uncomfortable after a while.

And yet, with all that said. Hubba hubba:

Eddie Vedder, Jeff Bridges and Thou

2011-09-12T07:48:00.001-07:00

"Hmm, what rhymes with Oscar?"

I do not blame Eddie Vedder or Jeff Bridges for their latest musical releases. It's a free country. This is a capitalist society. People are allowed to create wealth in any legal way they can, and I applaud the effort.

And yet.

How much effort was put into Misters Vedder and Bridges CDs to get such high sales? It had to take some effort, I'm sure. They had to write the music, arrange the songs, work with musicians and producers to achieve the desired sounds. And then the music was released to the public. And the public buys their music in vast quantities.

This is where I get to the friggin' point. Eddie Vedder's ukulele album and Jeff Bridge's debut CD aren't successful on their own artistic merit. Eddie Vedder's CD is popular because he is Eddie effen Vedder. And Bridges' CD is popular because, hey, he's the Dude!

And, frankly, the music's not great.

But this hasn't stopped my local AAA station (disclaimer - I work for the company that owns this station) from playing the crap out of these CDs. The music director told me that Bridges' release is in "heavy rotation". (There's a pic of the MD with Jeff Bridges' arm around him on his FB page - surely a coincidence)

I'm upset because there are so many great musicians who I know that are creating much better - and more listenable - music than this. And I'm just talking about the ones who are attempting to be full-time musicians. If I add the ukulele reprobates who make music on Youtube, that adds a hundred more quality music-makers. All of whom I would put above Vedder and Bridges on my mp3 player.

So yeah. That's all I'm saying.

Like it long?

2011-09-02T21:11:00.000-07:00

Recently my Youtube channel put up a message that says I'm now able to upload videos longer than 15 minutes. Since we all know that more is more, is anybody up for a shitty hour long collab of Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah?

To test the upper limits of Youtube, I uploaded this 4 hour long video. You should watch the whole thing. It gets pretty good towards the end.

Not Pointing Fingers Here, But...

2011-08-27T09:52:00.000-07:00

Dear Mr. Vedder

2011-06-21T10:23:00.000-07:00

I appreciate the effort - I do. It's a fine album of original uke music. I particularly like the fact that it's not Hawaiian music. Not thatI dislike Hawaiian music, but that's been done. So you made a contemporary singer/song writer album focusing on uke. I like that.

But seriously Ed (may I call you Ed?) did you have to call the thing "Ukulele Songs"? Now every pearl-jam-flavored wannabe douche nozzle who scoffed at the uke now thinks it's cool because of you. The open-mics I go to are now awash in fresh uke players who are just dying to show me their Zebra-wood Kalas and Malaka Dolphins. Not to mention every easy-listening middle of the road blank-spot. You managed to dilute the uke even further by adding two more audiences I have no respect for.

But that's just me and my bias... Let's talk exploitation. You are arguably a mega-music star. Slightly washed up and irrelevant, but still pretty much any music you decided to make would have sold eleventybillion copies. But by calling your album "ukulele songs" you targeted an audience you never had before - uke enthusiasts. You also capitalized directly on the novelty *and* rising popularity of the uke to make people pay attention to you and see you as somehow musically fresh. It stinks of a pandering gimmick - one you didn't need to do.

All of which is understandable - except for the outcome you didn't foresee. Overexposure.

You have dominated my facebook stream email and twitter. Family members I hate to hear from and are generally blissfully silent now send me articles and reviews about you and your album. I have been sent the same NYT review about your stunt no less than 12 times. For that dull, repetitive offense I simply can not forgive you.

As the wave of uke popularity breaks and people begin to backlash and boo whenever we pull one out at show, you can blame yourself. Your intentional overexposure was the straw that broke the back. It went from obscure and kind of quirky and cool, to that tired shit Vedder played out to death in '11. You did that. You are the Tiny Tim of this phase of the repeating uke fads. "Tiny Ed" if you will. The bullet in the head to any shred of the unexpected or interesting that was left in making contemporary uke music.

Unfortunately you never took up the accordion. No one would complain if those get shoved back in the closet.

UWC'11 Trip Report

2011-06-07T00:01:00.000-07:00

So here I was trying to write a trip report for UWC'11 when it occurred to me that I really could not do a better job than Miss Lonna did in the Ginley Gulch guestbook.

I'll post anecdotes and such later, but this is why we love Shawn and Lonna so. Well, this and the macaroni and cheese.

Also - true story.

No room for another UWC sticker

2011-06-01T15:56:00.000-07:00

No room on my uke for another UWC sticker so I'm staying home this year. I'll miss hanging out with the UCBs and our extended family. I'll miss having an excuse to wear my overalls. I'll miss carrying Russ home.

Maybe next year......

Happy Mother's Day

2011-05-08T17:13:00.000-07:00

Happy Mother's Day to our bad ass UCB mothers Adelle and 6ster.

(sorry, no funny, snarky, or hateful content)

El Kabong

2011-05-08T12:10:00.000-07:00

Only four strings. Just sayin'.

Look, It's My Sack!

2011-04-19T11:25:00.000-07:00

Not sure if any of you care about this but I'm going to post it anyway.

A few months ago, I was in France doing research on cheese, pâté and wine. And by "research", I mean I was cramming them into my gullet. One of my goals, other than to gain 15 pounds in fois gras weight alone, was to make a few Youtube videos. The kit you see above was my airplane carry-on satchel and contained everything I needed to make videos in case my check-in luggage got lost and was forced to wear the same outfit for 2 weeks. Unless of course I was able to buy some haute couture from the Charles De Gaulle Airport snack shop. Then I'd be set (and Euro stylin!).

What's great is that this bag was also a good place to keep our maps, brochures, passports and there was a zippered pocket where I could dump all the Euro coins I got as change for purchases (mostly batteries and band-aids). I don't know about you guys, but figuring out exact change when you make purchases in a foreign country with foreign looking coins always frustrates me. I'd rather just hand the cashier a bill and have them give me change, which then goes into the bag with all the other change. By the end of the trip, it felt like I had a few kilos of change sloshing around the bag.

Now that I think of it, Grumpy has a similar man pouch that he carries with him on trips. Though I'm pretty sure he just uses it to carry his Beanie Babies and ChapStick.

One Uke at A Time!!

2011-04-14T17:20:00.000-07:00

Of all the annoying trends in the ukulele community (you are keeping count right? I lost track…) there is one that has to be the top of my pet peeve list. I think of it as the “Happy Ukes Saving Blind Baby Marmots from Wars” syndrome. You’ve seen these things right? Some overblown well-meaning charity – usually dealing with children and or world peace with a mission statement that reads like a hallmark card in a Maui tourist-trap gift shop.

Aloha! (Note the superfluous exclamation point. That’s certain to get my respect.)

My name is Bake Jimambukuru (What? Oh please, like you weren’t thinking it by the time you read the words "Blind Baby Marmot". I pick on him because he can take it…)

Our mission here at Happy Ukuleles to Save the Blind Baby Marmots from War is to make sure everyone everywhere can feel the simple joy of the ukulele and thereby make the world safer and kinder by spreading Aloha spirit through blind baby marmot happiness. The ukulele IS the world’s happiest instrument and no one can resist its charms! (Note the absolute certainty and conviction that ukes CAN make a difference – and the insistence that everyone everywhere agrees that the uke is a “Happy Instrument!!”)

We firmly believe that the joyful sounds of ukulele music can save the world – one uke at a time!! (Not remotely unrealistic, and note the almost universal catch phrase – “One Uke at a Time!!!”)

I’m not just picking on Jake here – there are dozens of these things, with more springing up all the time. All very similar in formula.

Ok now look… I am not against charity. I give generously. Money, time, and yes – even musical instruments to causes year round. I even joined a Kiva mico-loan group started by the amazing Mike Hater called “Ukulele’s to Decrease World Suck”, and re-invest my loans with folks all over the planet. But there is something unpretentious about the Kiva group, and my other charities. They don’t put unbelievably obnoxious and unattainable – and completely inexplicable – personifications on the ukulele. "Decreasing Suck" seems within reasonable grasp.

“If more people played the uke, there would be less wars and violence!”

Really? So, Jeff Dhalmer wouldn’t have eaten prostitutes if someone would have just handed him a uke? I’m unconvinced.

Look. People suck. With very few exceptions, people are selfish and hateful at best and unbelievably cruel otherwise. What do you get when you give an asshole a uke? An asshole with a uke. That’s it. Nothing changes.

Music education makes a difference? Yes – arts education makes for a better culture. Real and practical time, effort, and money for those who need help? Hell yes. Ukes for Peace? Not going to happen.

There is another side to this though – and it’s more annoying than the charity angle – at least those things are trying to *do* something. An incredibly naive and largely useless something, but it’s something.

The stuff that REALLY bends my noodle the wrong way is the incessant and inane insistence that the ukulele “makes people happy!” Enough already. I am not just speaking for myself here, but as a musical instrument the uke is capable of incredible melancholy, soulful expression, and deep heart-felt emotion - even rage. The uke has range. If all you get out of the uke is “it makes a happy sound” – you are doing it wrong. The uke has range.

The two phenomena are related – and result in a very strange assumption by some that the “uke community is the bestist!” and somehow better, more giving and vastly superior to everything else. While I admit – playing the ukulele has led me to some lasting and real relationships that I treasure, I’m not silly enough to blame the uke. Most people still suck. In fact I know several uke players who I’d rather light on fire than ever speak to again. I know couple of cyber-stalking creep uke players. I know a violent and misogynistic uke player. I know quite a few over-zealous homophobic hateful uke players. I know drug addicted, alcoholic, misanthropic miserable people (not just me – shut up) who play the uke. More jerks, self-centered nozzles, and utter tool-bags than you could shake a vintage Martin with a fret buzz at. In fact, after three years in the happy island heart of the uke community, I hate just as many uke players as regular people – if not more. The proportion of people who suck is just about the same.

So I beg you, for the sake of my sanity – and the dignity of baby marmots everywhere - please stop. The uke is an amazing instrument capable of inducing a smile *and* a tear. It does not make anyone a better person, and it will never – ever – save the world.

Now go *do* something.

Warning: Your junk is exposed!

2011-04-11T12:12:00.000-07:00

Do we rag on Youtube enough? You know, Youtube, that thing we all compulsively use but at the same time can't stand? Well anyway, there is a new flaw in their system that will allow some people to see your private and unlisted videos when you upload them. I discovered this recently when I tried to discreetly share a video of me doing a patriotic tap-dance to a medley of Miley Cyrus and Dido songs with my friend Adelle. I had marked the video "unlisted" so that she could share the video with other members of her clan. However, within minutes of the upload, I started getting random comments on my video. Eddie Vedder commented that he'd seen better (and sexier) patriotic dances, Jake Shimmy wrote that my video made him feel uncomfortable but that he watched to the finish anyway, and finally that little Japanese boy who plays I'm Yours on ukulele commented to me a simple "Meh..."

I found out from a fellow Youtuber that people are able to go one step further when subscribing to your channel and they can opt-in to receive email notifications when you upload videos. This notification includes videos that you mark as Private or Unlisted. Not cool Youtube, not cool....

Until they get this fixed, you would be wise so save your sexy underwear dance videos for another time. That or share them the old school way, via Friendster. Does anybody use that anymore?

Portlandia

2011-04-07T21:26:00.000-07:00

So, rather than write up a review of Portland and Boozefest 2 I thought I'd just post this image of Russelle and Boozelle preparing for the trip.

It's not because I can't remember anything that happened. Really.

I do recall something like this... Vividly.

Screw you Glee.

2011-03-30T16:27:00.000-07:00

Ok...

So I found this awesome bass in a guitar shop. I've been monkeying around with bass on a few UCB vids over the last year or so. I don't know how to play it, but I like it... So when I found this Epiphone Viola Bass for several hundred off retail, I couldn't resist. I figured I'd pack it along to our upcoming Portland UCB shindig and try it on a few numbers. then, I'd try a few bar gigs around here... everyone lets a bass player sit in. I'd get to play more often and not have to take center stage.

I got it home, learned a few blues grooves, and felt pretty snazzy about the purchase. Aside from Sir Paul, i've never really seen many folks with that shape and the floating bridge... I got to feeling I made a pretty classy purchase. I always thought they were pretty damn cool. It seemed nearly unique, special even.

And then it happened. I got a Facebook PM from some "friend" I don't actually know...

"KOOL new GLEE bass! I sooooo want one just like it ever since I saw it on Glee. You'll have to get the red bass cabinet amp thing too!"

Yeah.

You folks know me. Is there anything I have ever posted that suggests I enjoy, watch, am aware of, let alone strive to emulate Glee? That show, the few times I've seen it, registered in my brain as a toothache with auto-tune. I can assure you, I was not trying to pay homage to what I consider a song murdering pap-fest on (shiver) commercial network television. (Note: If you are not familiar with the television show Glee, I salute you - and warn you that Russ and/or Aldrine will be along shortly to fill you in on all the musical high-school hijinx...)

I thought I made myself clear over the years. I am a snob. A hateful, petty, pretentious snob. If you like it, I probably think it sucks. Hell, if you like it, and others like it, I probably think *you* suck.

So now, every time I play that thing... someone will mention Glee. Every time. Screw you Glee.

Yes but which spice are you?

2011-03-25T15:55:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I had an hour long round table discussion with the guys regarding this tough issue. If we were to live the Spice Girls movie (and who wouldn't want to?), which spice would you be? I'm thinking Alan would be Scary Spice, Adelle would be Punch You in the Balls Spice, the Baron would be Delicate Spice, Booze would be Old Spice, Deach would be He Who Controls the Spice, Grumpy would be Dungeons N' Spice, Little6ster would be Smurfette Spice and I would most likely be Five Spice. If I got any of that wrong, please correct me in the comments below.

Would this movie work? Who could play the tour bus driver's part better than Meat Loaf? Have we really run out of things to blog about? Where is the infinite wisdom of Tony Robbins when you need him the most?

On flying the friendly skies.

2011-03-14T13:42:00.000-07:00

I'm a little hesitant to post a rant so soon after Booze's message about Japan. I've been to Sendai several years ago on a visit to Japan and this whole situation has me still feeling a little shellshocked. It's incredibly heartbreaking to hear about the number of people still missing from the resulting tsunami. I hope their families can eventually find some closure in this matter whether they be found alive or not. Can we all observe a moment of silence before I continue with this post?

.
..
...
....
.....

Okay so I've just returned from a visit to France, or as Rel-Bar put it, the "Old World". That just sounds so cool doesn't it? Like I just visited some place right out of a Dungeons & Dragons game set. And no, I'm not going to clown on Dungeons & Dragons. GrumpyCoyote is "cool" no matter what geeky shit he's into, and that's final!

Anyway, this post is about the TSA, or Transportation Security Administration for those of you who aren't lucky enough to live in the United States to experience their special brand of "customer service". I've flown many times after 9/11 and am quite used to the heavy flight restrictions we are to endure because of terrorist threats. The TSA was created by the Department of Homeland Security to ensure our safety in a government regulated fashion. I wouldn't call it a necessary evil because I get it, we're living in shitty, scary times. People try weird stuff like lighting their shoes or underwear on fire, it's messed up, and definitely not cool. We absolutely need this agency. What we don't need, is their crappy attitude.

Everytime I pass through a security checkpoint in an American airport, I make it a point to smile and say hello to the TSA person that reviews your boarding pass and personal identification. They usually return the friendliness with a stern look of disapproval and bark at you if you're walking too fast or too slow, or if you headed down the wrong lane. Sorry, it was confusing because they arranged the retractable nylon barriers in some kind of strange labyrinth that is designed to lead you to certain death (or a full body cavity search). And we're stuck complying with their rude ushering and demands because nobody wants to rock the boat and appear terrorist-like right? We are just happy sheep doing our best to follow directions in order to make it to the other side of security so that we can enjoy a $15 sandwich and a Dean Koontz novel from the terminal bookstore.

Okay in their defense, they deal with thousands of anxious and annoyed travelers on a daily basis. It's enough to wear anybody out. That's when you start to look for new job. Judging by the ads i see on daytime TV, you can become a vet tech, car mechanic, medical billing specialist, or personal masseuse in less than 2 years and you don't even need your GED. A pretty sweet deal for these disgruntled TSA jagoffs.

Oh and another thing, you know that Backscatter X-ray (aka Whole Body Imager, aka tit/nutsack/brain scanner) machine they spent millions of dollars on? Well it appears that it doesn't save anybody any time or effort. After they took an "adult" photograph of my genitals and then reviewed it carefully on a monitor like I was a grade school science project, I was then to suffer through a pat-down, and then a machine was used to sample the palms of my hands for traces of who knows what; gunpowder, toxic waste, nacho cheese residue, etc. So in the end, instead of me just walking through a good ol' fashioned metal detector, this machine required 3 separate TSA personnel, a gigawatt of electricity, and everybody's precious time while they sorted things out. I may be wrong, but I thought a fancy expensive machine like this was supposed to simplify the process. Hmmm, maybe it's just a government conspiracy to catalog all nutsacks and funbags in some sort of kinky searchable database. That makes perfect sense now that I think of it.

Also, did I forget to mention I approached the security checkpoint dressed as the artist formerly known as Cat Stevens and holding a lit molotov cocktail in one hand and an AK-47 in the other? Maybe that didn't help. Hmmmm...

Gomen Nasai

2011-03-13T00:07:00.001-08:00

When I wrote my last post I had no idea that my mention of "Tokyo", and " tsunamis" would be so timely. Although the tsunami created by the earthquake off the coast of Northern Japan did cause some damage to the Oregon and California coastlines, and of course to the islands of Hawaii, it is nothing like the devastation which happened and continues to happen in Japan. All of us at UCB send our thoughts and best wishes to our friends in the land of the rising sun.

Some Questions Finally Answered

2011-02-28T15:45:00.000-08:00

It must be because I am an educated man that I often get asked to settle bets. 'Lets ask Kevin, he will know". I'm a wealth of useless trivia. For example did you know that tsunamis travel at the speed of a jumbo jet? Or that the animal that kills the most humans every year is the mosquito? Or that Tokyo is largest city in the world? Or that KLM now flies five times a week to Rwanda?

And here's something else; did you know Lady Gaga is actually a dude? Now you do.

Everyone knows that the Beatles were the greatest rock band ever. It's a given. No question there. But did you know that Led Zeppelin is second and The Who is third? I bet you didn't. But its true. Oh, and worst band of all time? Journey, followed by Foreigner.

Another question I often get asked "What is the best Patrick Swayze movie ever?". This is a tricky one, but if you said Roadhouse or Point Break you would be wrong, its actually Red Dawn. Little known fact.

And speaking of movies... the best movies ever? Duh, The Big Lebowski, Mulholland Drive, and Super Troopers. Everyone should already know this.

Best television shows of all time? Easy - Seinfeld, The Andy Griffith Show, and Star Trek.

Best ethnic food? Mexican, Thai, Italian. Best fast food? Wendy's.

First man on the moon? Neil Armstrong. Winner of 8 Tour De France's? Lance Armstrong. Great Trumpeter? Louis Armstrong. Best child's toy? Stretch Armstrong.

Current biggest a-hole in the world? Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker.

Any other questions you have, just let me know. I'm here to help.

Charlie Sheen can handle it....

2011-02-28T10:25:00.000-08:00

So we all appreciate an adult beverage every now and then right? Then there are those who can enjoy a little "puff puff" while listening to their old records, be they classic Skynyrd or the Osmond Family Anthology. Nothing wrong with that.

Can we all agree that crystal meth is just not a good idea? I mean it is possible to use even the most harshest of substances in moderation but some drugs are just not a good idea. I just saw a National Geographic document on crystal meth and it was about as freaky as one of those Scared Straight programs they used to show at school (with a little less rape threats and prison bitch bartering).

And then there's coked out Charlie Sheen. He's kind of the poster boy for functioning drug addicts in that he's been a hot mess in his private life but has been able to work for a long long time (i know, i know, until "now"). Perhaps it helps that he has plenty of money to support such a habit. A mansion is a pretty swell place to enjoy hookers, blow, and whatever ball-stepping, golden shower, IKEA furniture demolition fetishes he may be into. Good for him, I guess? I can think of worse ways to burn your money, model trains come to mind.

(Oh yeah, and yes, I agree that the crew of Two and a Half Men are getting a raw deal while Charlie Sheen gets his shit together but that's not the point of this post.)

So what about the recent fascination with energy drinks? I remember when Red Bull was one of the only energy drinks around. Sure, it tastes like sweetened pee (don't ask) but it helps you stay awake to study for that calculus exam or drive your Hyundai to Tijuana. I was never a big fan of Red Bull or it's lame douchebaggy cousin "Red Bull and Vodka", but I can see how it can be useful to some people who need it. But now, there are so many brands of energy drinks on the shelf including the infamous Four Loko, which I have never tried, although I can only imagine it being similar to smoking crack on the 72nd hour of your bender. With names like Rockstar, Monster, RELOAD (yes, all caps), Bawls, Shark Stimulation, Crunk, there is no shortage of not-so-cleverly named liquid crack beverages available in your local 7-11. One of my favorites that I've seen is MAD DOG Energy Lemonade. That gives me an image of little kids selling lemonade on their front lawn decked out in Ed Hardy t-shirts and kiddy 'roid rage.

Well at least we have the classy original, Red Bull. No need for monster trucks and pyrotechnics to sell that right? Until now...

"Drink Red Bull. You too can be an insane murderous tranny Zebra, Yee Haw!!!"

Project For Corn

2011-02-23T23:08:00.000-08:00

So Boozelele mentioned something about a project I was working on in the last post. However, I'm not exactly sure how he found out about it since the details have been tucked away in my diary this whole time. Well anyway, it's called the "Project For Corn" and I will be focusing on a few items of self improvement for this year. Call it a belated New Year's Resolution if you will.

Writing, producing, directing and starring in a musical drama based on the early life of Kelly Clarkson as told through her older brother Jason. (or maybe through her sister Alyssa, it's still undecided. but either way, KC will shine!)
Inventing the mid-C string that will end the debate over "low G" versus "high G" on ukuleles. This mid-C string will also be known as the "STFU string" and will be sold in two different colors, clear and off-clear.
Becoming the guy at ukulele festivals that wears socks with flip flops. And not ninja socks with the split toe, but regular white tube socks, preferably with blue stripes to accentuate the calves.
Improving my fingerpicking technique via aromatherapy.
Developing a cure for gravity.

Wish me luck people!

Bitches Got Talent

2011-02-19T19:17:00.000-08:00

We have quite a creative bunch here. Every time you turn around one of our members is off on some new venture. I just wanted to pass on some info on what a few of us are up to. Some in our group are too shy, or too hesitant, or too modest to self promote (others well, not so much).

For anyone who doesn't know, Adelle has a NEW BLOG introducing readers to a new band or musician every day for the entire year - 365 artists in 365 days. This is a mamouth undertaking. Not only is she showcasing some great music, but it is filled with Adelle's charm and wit. Read it, follow it, live it.

Grumpy Coyote Tunes (or "Saucepan" as we fondly refer to him) has the BRING THE SONG project going. Check out this great resource and share in the song writing experience.

Little6ster has a new band called WAX, and if you haven't checked it out. You are missing out. This is some good shit. They recorded a new EP a couple months ago, and just had their first concert in Angers, France. Check her youtube page, myspace page, facebook page, etc. Pass her on, this deserves to be heard.

And lets not forget Baron, Russ, and Alan, they all continue to post great vids on youtube. I also know Russ is getting busy with a special new project of his own (I'll let him speak to that). And don't forget that Deach, Russ and others (DeG) were nominated for Undie awards...and while I personally think popularity contests under the guise of art/music awards are complete and utter bull-shit, I hope you guys win.

Please support all of these bitches in their new and oh-so-cool musical endeavours and contact each of them individually for additional info. And if I left out something cool someone is doing, or forgot anyone...it's not intentional, it's only that I'm an idiot... and anyway, that's what the comments are for...so bite me.

National Day of WTF?

2011-02-17T21:31:00.000-08:00

I was sitting at my pseudo-desk at work today, slaving away (which essentially means staring blankly at my computer screen, pretending to be busy) when I came upon an article mentioning "Global Ukulele Day" on March 11th. Why had I never heard of that? Shouldn't this be a big deal in ukulele-land. You would think every uke player in the world would celebrate it as religiously as us Oregonians celebrate International Talk Like a Pirate Day (Sept. 19th) and National Weed Day (April 20th - (of course)). Well after doing a little digging on the whole ukulele-day-thing it became apparent why it was not well known. There is already a National Play Your Ukulele Day on May 2nd, and some UU guys attempt to start a World Ukulele Day on Feb 2nd.

I am not big on holidays, especially silly holidays, but can't the ukulele community get together and pick one day that we can all agree on? Or change the focus or these other uke holidays...one could be Tune Your Ukulele Day, or Buy a New Uke Day, or Make Fun of Ukulele Players Day, or Eat Spam And Play White Sandy Beaches Day, or....I'm sure you can think of better ones...

...Anyway the place I work only recognizes 9 holiday days a year. Luckily Feb. 20th brings Clam Chowder Day then on March 21st is National Wiener Day (not to be confused with National Penis Day which comes a week earlier March 15th). ....So I'm looking forward to a couple three-day weekends. Sweet.

Stop Wasting Time

2011-02-14T14:13:00.000-08:00

I know that we are all busy people what with all the blogs to post, forums to moderate, songs to write, dogs to wash, videos to make, porn to watch, and drinks to drink (did I leave anyone out?). It's getting to the point where there just isn't enough time in the day to accomplish all of these important tasks and still have time for non-essential things like jobs, and families, and showers.- So in order to improve efficiency, Ive been working on a system that will help reduce the time we waste watching and commenting on ukulele youtube videos. Also this system will help us with the age old question "what the hell do I put in this comment???" From now on, just type in the number that corresponds to the appropriate comment that you would like to leave. (or you can copy and paste from this blog...you should be able to do this and move on within 10 seconds of the video starting)....

1. Hey friend, great song! You are an excellent song writer/uke player. I love your originals and/or covers.
2. Keep 'em coming, haven't seen you in a while! Where have you been? I love your videos, you're always so creative.
3. The uke sounds great! You sure can play that thing. I love the solo and/or strumming pattern.
4. 5**** and Faved!
5. Great job! I listened to this song all the way through, and loved every second of it. Especially that cool thing you did at the end.
6. Get the audio file from this video at tubepull doht cohm.
7. Tabs plz.
8. Go kill yourself!

This is a work in process, if you have additional ideas, please share them.

Pants on Fire

2011-02-09T18:54:00.000-08:00

I've never claimed to be a smart man. I may act holier-than-thou sometimes. But I'm no genius. I doubt I'll be asked to join MENSA any time soon. (or is it NAMBLA?...it doesn't matter, I'm probably not smart enough to get into either). I don't think I'm stupid per se, I think I am just ignorant. There are a lot of things I just don't know. Here is a perfect example. Apparently there is something called "lying through omission". This is where you keep a secret from someone. It doesn't really even have to be a secret, its just leaving a detail of your life out. I don't know if this applies to every relationship you have..I mean I don't think you have to tell every person you meet everything about yourself. Like say you meet someone at a Christmas party, you wouldn't say..."Hi Jim my name's Bob, I like monster trucks, oyster shooters and D.I.Y." "Nice to meet you Bob, I like corduroy, beagles and golden showers." But I think at some point in your more serious relationships, you are supposed to stop leaving stuff out. I know this applies to romantic relationships and probably familial relationships too.

I have two lives....and I'm pretty sure a couple of you do as well. I have my uke/youtube life, and my family/work life. I'm pretty open about playing the uke, although I find myself choking sometimes when I say the word 'ukulele'. "Kevin do you play any musical instruments?" "yeah....I play the uku...cough cough"..... "the what?..."the ukulele"....silence...."oh, like Tiny Tim"...."yeah, fuck you..." But my you-tube videos stay secret to most of the people in my daily life.

My sister recently came across my you-tube channel. She wasn't pissed off but she said "you don't have to hide things from me". I'm not hiding anything, its not like I'm a serial killer, or a super hero, I don't have sex with animals, and I've never been to Thailand. But we all have some secrets...I mean, right?

We'll since we are all good friends here...It's time we stop lying through omission...so I'll go first...

I like the movie An Officer and a Gentleman. I like the Jackson Five. I play online poker, read books about sailing, eat toaster waffles, and sometimes watch Nascar. I listen to talk-radio in the car (liberal), I'm not a fan of big-boobs, or strip clubs, I like to look at maps, and I like Brazilian jazz......oh, and I like beagles.

Your turn

Oh Yahoo homepage.

2011-02-06T18:33:00.000-08:00

I saw this photo on the Yahoo homepage today and had a thought. Actually a few thoughts.

You ever wonder who came up with the idea to measure rain by the inch?
I think it's about time for my annual prostate exam.
When you testify in a court of law, is it improper to stomp your feet and yell "AMEN"?
I wonder if James Brown was as exuberant in his daily life as he was onstage.
Are dog yawns contagious to humans?
Sam Kinison sure was great, huh?

The many wonders of the music world

2011-02-03T11:19:00.000-08:00

According to Wikipedia (which is also a good place to visit if you ever want to read a scene by scene breakdown of Hollywood blockbuster Ghostbusters), the NAMM Show is one of the largest music product trade shows in the world. With over 1300 exhibitors and 80,000+ attendees, this ginormous industry show is only rivaled by MusikMesse in Germany (which I'm assuming has better beer, thus making it superior).

At the NAMM Show, people come from all over the country and world to view and test new products, make business deals with manufacturers and retailers, demo new recording and live performance gear, compare tramp stamps, and many other music related activities. This year, I was fortunate enough to be able to attend the show with a guest pass that I scored from Ohana Ukes through Ken Middleton (謝謝 Ken!). The show was amazingly overwhelming with way too many shiny things to look at and touch (and i'm not talking about the glistening hot dogs on the heat rollers in the food concessions area although they were quite impressive. oh, and nacho cheese.).

After being subjected to the sights and sounds of tens of thousands of people strumming guitars, banging on drums, ch-ch-checking microphones, I believe I have a better appreciation for the music industry and all of those involved. I have that and this photo:

That Guy...

2011-02-01T14:57:00.001-08:00

Ok,

I appreciate folks who comment on my videos - I really do. I'm still astonished that anyone watches my stuff at all. There is, however, a class of commenter that manages to get under my skin to the point of making me want to stomp bunnies.

It's not the classic hater. "You suck", "Learn to sing", and "Die in a fire", all entertain me more than the one word platitudes like "Great" or "Awesome" that we've all been guilty of. Inspiring emotion is fine with me - even if it's negative. No, I only judge the haters on the creative effort they put into the insult... the more creative, the more I appreciate it.

The "tabs plz" guys do piss me off a bit, as do the loyalist "that's not how you play that" fanfolk of whatever band I'm covering (the concept of 'interpretation' is lost on these clowns). But even they pale in comparison to my nemesis. The guy I like to think of as "You Could Do Better Guy". These guys post things like "Nice try, but I think your vocal was a little pitchy", or "You know, verse/chorus/verse really should be adhered to when possible", or "as a songwriter for many years, I think you should try to relate more to your audience", and my favorite "That would be an ok song - you might want to try it in F#, that will give it more depth." Yeah. Those are real. All different folks too.

On the surface, they seem to be fine creative criticism. Let me stress - I am NOT against creative and constructive criticism in any way. One of the reasons I post videos is so I can get feedback. I actually dislike the Youtube communities' general lack of real critique. But these guys are special. What pisses me off the most is that these almost seem interesting - but then once you read them you realize they are simply meaningless condescension. Patronizing bull-shit dressed up as music critique.

First off - these nozzles never have a single video posted. Ever. They also tend to favorite the worst kinds of pop drivel of various genres. Secondly, they follow a formulas - I think they have a handbook:

1) Misplaced or inappropriately applied jargon
Calling out my vocals is fair - but the word "pitchy" is a dead giveaway. You are an American Idol watcher, not a critic. Watching Randy Jackson does not make you better at judging.
Things like the "F#" comment above are classic too - Major key is major key Retardo Montalbon, popping off things like "F# gives it depth" only identifies you as a toolbag.

2) Make sure you talk about your credibility
This one kills me. "As a songwriter for years..." or "I'm a professional musician and..." First, they never have anything posted, so they are clearly full of crap. Secondly, this is the internet. Your claimed credentials only go as far as you are actually able to back them up with intelligent and credible discourse on the subject at hand. You claiming something, and then writing words that clearly indicate the opposite actually *hurts* your credibility in our little digital world here. Worry less about making claims and worry more about actually knowing what the fuck you are talking about.

3) When in doubt, condescend
The goal of these guys seems to be to make themselves seem superior. They almost always come in the form of giving some kind of advice, and/or encouraging you to "try harder".
I have news for these knuckleheads - I don't do this for you. I do it for me. Unless you actually care, and preferably have something to offer of real value - don't give me advice. It makes you look even sadder than I suspect you are. You can't possibly get respect on my channel this way. My friends and my ego will eat you and then poop you right back out... or worse; ignore you. We are connoisseurs of condescension.

Again, don't take this the wrong way - I *want* criticism. But I do wish these guys would just stop. To critique, you must first be familiar with the subject at hand. To offer advice, it's customary to actually have some to give. If you don't know what you are talking about, try "I don't like this" or even "you suck". Those are honest and clear and, while not particularly helpful, at least not bullshit.

Ok, enough of my little public service announcement. Hopefully this will help you identify these little balls of suck and file them in the appropriate "go away" bucket rather than wasting any time thinking about them. Back to your regularly scheduled bitches.

You + Me= Besties Forevah!

2011-01-27T06:00:00.000-08:00

Funny how being close friends has put us all on the same cycle. All of us MIA for the last few weeks here.... I for one, have been quite wrapped up with my new blog, which has turned into way more of a project than I'd anticipated. But am I posting just to mention that? No! What I really wanted to talk about was this...

If anyone wanted to break into my private life & stalk me on the internet, all they'd really have to do is make their icon a picture of a ukulele. I know this isn't just me. You get those random Facebook requests- and while the name isn't familiar, the ukulele is there & "accept"!! If there's a mutual friend or two, well heck- double accept.

I've met a lot of fantastic people through the uke scene- people that have changed my life (even in some cases for the better) but I'm sorry... when did playing the ukulele automatically make everyone else who plays the ukulele my friend? Just because we play the same instrument doesn't necessarily mean we have anything else in common, and it certainly doesn't make me social or enjoy "chatting". When the community started up a few years back it was cool... when there were like 10 of us & finding someone else who played the uke was still a novelty. But now...?

Don't get me wrong- I do enjoy the family vibe that there is in the internetz world of ukulele players... it's just getting so big now that it's at risk of losing the intimacy. It's gone from a small family dinner around the table, to "well your second cousins are flying in too" "oh yeah- that's cool. I even know all their names", to a giant family reunion out in a park where everyone has to wear name tags & random people walk up to you & talk to you for like 15 minutes before they realize you're not who they thought you were & now you have to send all these people Christmas cards every freaking year.

Having a ukulele in your possession does not rule out you being a crazed maniac. It doesn't make me wanna read status updates about your cat. One piece of common ground can be the spark that begins a friendship... or things can just get awkward. Everyone's been thrown into that kind of situation before- friend of a friend or something- "Hey, you guys both like soup! Talk about soup!" & then they abandon you with a stranger. "Sooooo... I understand you like soup." "Yep." "Me too." ::crickets:: "Weeeelll... guess I should probably go stick my head in the microwave now..."

I'm not really sure what my point is anymore- if I even had one at the start. Ummm... crack is whack & school is cool? Don't jaywalk...? Oh! I remember now! My point is- a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, but a ukulele will gain you access to my facebook page, as well as into Barons pants.

Your January Post

2011-01-26T08:20:00.000-08:00

I thought we'd better post something - AT LEAST ONE POST - in January. So let's start the "new" year on an upbeat note. There's very little that sounds better than an orchestra of ukes:

Advice for the new year.

2010-12-30T12:45:00.000-08:00

This dusty old year will be over very soon and while we wait to usher in the new year, here's a little friendly advice. Have you ever asked yourself (or others via the internet) any of the following questions?

Should I play a soprano, concert or tenor ukulele?
What key should I play this song in?
Is it okay to use a strap with my ukulele?
What color uke should i buy?
Can I use a pick or is forbidden?
Why is Aldrine so damn handsome?
Low G or high G?
What is the correct pronunciation of "ukulele"?

Well, it's quite simple. Please take a moment to watch this video from my Oakland contemporaries Digital Underground, and you'll soon know the key to good living and the answer to all of life's many many questions.

When you're done grabbing them in the biscuits, have yourself a happy new year! *loud drunken applause*

Christmas Music For the Whole Family

2010-12-17T18:46:00.000-08:00

It's easy this time of year to get caught up in all the commotion and forget about the true meaning of Christmas. Christmas is really all about over-indulgence; eating too much, getting lots-o-shit, and drinking till you pass out with the ones you love (or, as in my case, family). And nothing gets me in the Christmas spirit like music. So here are some of my favorite Christmas tunes. I hope you find the true spirit of the season within these timeless classics...as I have.

Jon Lajoie has some great music including and early version of the Beatles classic Blackbird (thank Adelle for that one). But his holiday song Cold Blooded Christmas is on par with Frosty the Snowman and Jingle Bells and is fast becoming the best Christmas song ever recorded.

Red Peters has a great tune called You Aint Getting Sh*t For Christmas, to compliment his other classics such as Blow Me, and You Promised the Moon (But I prefer Uranus)

If you're looking for a contemporary twist on an old standard there's the John C. Reilly and Will Farrell remake of David Bowie and Bing Crosby's Little Drummer Boy. And for a last minute gift idea check out Dick In a Box by Andy Samberg and Justin Timberlake

Weird Al is really hit and miss. Of course he has classics like Eat it and Amish Paradise, but for this time of year nothing beats Christmas as Ground Zero.

And finally Trey Parker and Matt Stone of course have some terrific holiday classics: Eric Cartman Sings Oh Holy Night is a great one..but my favorite from the boys is Mr Hanky The Christmas Poo. And for after the holidays, check out Kyle's Mom's a Bitch.

I hope these beautiful songs help put you in the Christmas spirit. Cheers, and Happy Holidays.

'Tis the Season

2010-12-14T20:26:00.000-08:00

Well it's the end of another year here at UCB headquarters. Most of the staff here have completed their year end reports (*ahem* Klevin) and they've been printed, bound and sent off to stakeholders far and wide. It's time for celebrations all around. So whether you're celebrating the birth of baby Jesus, commemorating the rededication of the Holy Temple in Jerusalem, or studying the Nguzu Saba, make sure you take time to stop and remember what the holidays are really all about: buying shit!

This is a good year for the gift of new music. With such a musical goldmine to choose from like flashy tit-pop acts (Katy Perry), lesbianic second comings of Leif Garrett (Justin Bieber), shitty overproduced covers of songs you wish would just go away (Glee soundtrack), "country" artists (Taylor Swift), hey lookit me salmonella (Lady Gaga), and just plain dog crap (Black Eyed Peas), there is literally something for everybody. So hit your record stores or wherever the hell kids buy music at these days and pump some money back into the music business so we can continue to enjoy the fruits of their collective labors.

Advertising May Not be My Calling (lots-o-language in this one)

2010-12-12T07:59:00.000-08:00

So... you've seen these Herpes commercials, right? The ones where there's a couple standing together; he's got his arm around her & they're in a park, I think... they look like they're selling LL Bean clothing but then she says something like "Being careful is important to me... because I have genital herpes." and she looks up at him with this goofy "Whooops!" kind of face... like she just said something waaay less important, like "I locked the keys in the car- huh huh! I'm a fucking idiot!" except it's herpes... which I tend to take pretty seriously. Keep a straight fucking face when you talk to me about herpes, okay? Especially when my arms around you. Bitch.

So then the guy says "And I don't" & smiles real confident like. The voice over begins "Talk to your doctor blah blah blah..." and maybe at this point they go off riding their bikes on a tree canopied trail, or they jump into a hammock all giddy like in slow motion.... I don't know, you get the idea.

But what SHOULD happen...

"Because I have genital herpes..."

"What?! You fucking skank!"; throws his arm off of her, pushes her away in complete disgust.

"Robert, I..." & she reaches for him...

"Don't fucking touch me, you whore! You herpes whore! Jesus..." and he starts pacing & rubbing his forehead... "I took you home to meet my parents! When were you planning on telling me this?!"

Or there are the solo herpes commercials... just some chick standing watering her garden or something... she looks up at the camera & begins her story... "Living with genital herpes means..."

Then some guy yells out "Whore!"

She looks back, flustered, and begins again... "Living with genital herpes..."

"Herpes whore!"

Looks over her shoulder "... means that..."

"Slut!"

"Alright, ya know what? That is NOT funny... fuck this commercial.." hands over the camera lens...

Uke Buyer's Remorse?

2010-12-09T15:22:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure about my new Ukulele. I ordered it back in November 2008, and was really excited when I finally got it in late January 2009. I'm hoping to get others opinions. (I don't normally name my ukes...but I call this one Barry)

It all started back in 2007. I was really sick of the uke I had, It sucked right from the start. And for seven years I had put up with it's lack of intonation, crappy construction, and piss-poor sound. (I originally named that one "George", but more often referred to it as "Dumb-ass" or "Tard-wad") I hated it. I hated everything about it. I had originally ordered one from Tennessee, but received "George" instead. Even though it was built in Texas I gave it a chance....I had a feeling it would suck-ass, and I was right. George was probably the worst presi...uh...ukulele ever built.

Finally in 2008 It was time to get a new one. The choice came down to one that had good pedigree; it was a name-brand uke, wide-bodied, strong and just a little "feminine". It was forceful, and experienced, and I liked it a lot. But just when I was going to pick that one, a new one was revealed, and I got really excited about it. Built in Hawaii, finished in Chicago it was tall and slender. It had darker wood than any uke I've had before it, some would say "black in color". It had a smooth sweet sound, that impressed everyone. If it had one construction flaw it was that it's tuners stuck out a little bit, but so what. It gave me hope. And I thought "yes I can" play the ukulele. I chose the new, darker one over the feminine one. (As a final option I was offered and old decrepit, crotchety, bitter veteran uke from Arizona, but it reminded me a lot of "Tard-wad" so yeah....fuck that) Anyway, the choice was easy. I went with Barry.

I was proud of my new black uke..and I had no complaints...at first. Now it seems that it doesn't really have the "punch" that I had hoped. It's a little wimpy. No balls. Some times you need it to have a bad-ass uke, not just a smooth sounding one. I'm not really sure what to do about it. I guess I'll hang with it for now...hoping it gets better. But I am starting to wish I chose the feminine one.

What do you guys think?

Ukulele Fashion Sense

2010-12-04T18:44:00.000-08:00

We are all aware of how popular the ukulele has become recently. It seems that everyone plays them now (or wants to). But don't worry guys, it's just a fad. Things like this come into fashion all the time...and then die out just as quickly. Douche-bag hats (see previous post) are in now, but pork-pie hats were in once, ten gallon hats, derby's, panamas, boaters, fedoras, even truckers hats have been popular. Just think of styles like the mullet, bell-bottom jeans, hot pants, parachute pants, Nehru jackets, and baggy pants. Some styles come full circle...beards were really popular in the 60's, then mustaches in the 70's, then goatees in the 80' and 90's, then shaved heads, now beards are back. One thing you can count on is that popular styles will come and go....and years from now, everyone will make fun of today's styles. Just like we do about past styles.

But here's the best part. Somewhere along the line tattoos and body piercings became a fashion statement. And guess what Ms. 20-something hipster.....someday you will be Mrs. 40-something-slightly overweight soccer mom....only you'll have full sleeve tats, giant stretched out earlobes, and scars from all your face piercings! The only evidence of me with long hair, a mustache and bell-bottom jeans is a couple old photographs....but you'll be living that shit everyday...for the rest of your life. What seemed like a good style sense back in 2007, is now permanently stained on your body. Way to go.

So to all you guys jumping on the ukulele band wagon, wear your goofy hat, dress in period clothing, put the harp rack around your neck, strap some cymbals between your knees, stomp on a tambourine, stick a kazoo up your ass, go crazy, have fun with it. But seriously, don't get one tattooed on the side of your neck. It's a BAD idea.

Does this hat make me look like a tool?

2010-12-03T10:01:00.000-08:00

Answer: Yes.

There is regular chatter in the "uke community" about hats. Specifically pork-pie, fedoras, trilbies and the like. I'm not sure why, but something about "quirky" hats appeals to the same types of folks that are attracted to the ukulele.

Sadly, there are very few people who can pull off a hat without looking like a douche-nozzle. Howling Hobbit, Craig Robertson, Aldrine G - these guys can rock a hat. It just works.

But here's the thing. Because guys like the ones I listed can pull it off - there are others who think "maybe I can get away with it..." If you find yourself asking this question, allow me to assist you and save us all some embarrassment. No. You can't rock a hat. You will look like a smacked-ass tool-bag, etc... - in short, a pretentious moron.

You see my friends, cool is self-evident. You can't make it happen. Unless you are already pretty cool, a quirky hat will only amplify your lame. For that matter - most everyone looks idiotic in a pretentious hat. It's very unlikely that the strength of your charisma will overcome that. Particularly because it's unlikely that you have any charisma to begin with.

I confess, I've been tempted to try a greek fisherman's cap, or maybe an old fashioned Springsteen-in-the-70's newsboy cap... I understand the urge. Trust me, it'll just be inconsiderate of those who don't want to hurt your feelings. Don't put them in that position.

Hope this saves you some time, and more importantly, saves me from having to tell you that you look like you are wearing a bad Yogi bear costume.

Kanye West, and Other Tools

2010-11-30T16:27:00.000-08:00

It's been a while since I've posted. Primarily because I'm still recovering from our last two UCB functions. But as the year comes to a close it is time again for the UU Undie awards. And of course...as always...I have an opinion. Firstly let me say that I have never won one. Nor would I expect to, there are just too many folks out there that are actually good. However, someone I have never met nominated one of my videos (ok, it was a UCB collab) but still....I gotta say, I'm really flattered. Maybe more so than actually winning.

We have talked before about how beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and judging any kind of art is completely subjective, and success in music is about popularity, not talent....etc. You only have to look to the Grammy awards to see how this plays out. Kanye West and Paul McCartney both have 13 Grammys. The Beatles as a band have 4. Eminem has 11. Cold Play has the same number as Simon and Garfunkel. Santana won 8, but all in 2000 with that dip-shit Rob Thomas, and NONE in the 70's when he was actually good. Beyonce has 16, but do you know how many Neil Young has? Take a guess....1, yes ONE and it was in 2009 for Best Boxed or Limited Edition Package. Seriously?

So, back to the Undies. This award takes "popularity contest" to a new low, by allowing people to nominate themselves, and then try to get others to vote for them. If I nominated my own video, and then conscripted all my face-book friends to go vote for it, and I won the god damned award...then what? Do I go to bed thinking "wow, I'm good". No, I go to bed thinking "wow, I'm a tool!". Im not saying that all Undie winners are "tools". The vast majority are very good, and very deserving. But soliciting votes....?

So if I am going to win an Undie, it will be because people decided on their own to vote for me. I will not nominate myself, and I will not ask people to vote for me....and anyone who does...is, in my opinion...a d-bag. And just one more thing, if I DO win, I hope I take after Neil Young, and win for "Best Package".

Scrotum Song

2010-11-28T13:02:00.000-08:00

Yeah. It's that kind of day.

Sunday afternoons were made for the Asylum Street Spankers...

How did we not write this?

Bo Diddley, the Original Mack Daddy

2010-11-23T05:24:00.000-08:00

Bo Diddley is so cool he can play songs with his name in the title.

"Bo! Awesome song! What'cha gonna call it?"

"Bo Diddley."

"Don't ya think that's a little-"

"Don't question Bo Diddley! If Bo Diddley says the name of the song is Bo Diddley, then the name of the song is Bo Diddley!"

Seriously. There's the self titled track, Bo Diddley, then there's Hey Bo Diddley, The Story of Bo Diddley, Bo Diddley is Loose, Bo Diddley's Hootnanny... he even has a song called Bo Diddleys Dog. Then there's Bo's Blues, Bo's Guitar, Bo's Twist, Bo's Waltz... and my personal favorite title: Bo's a Lumber Jack. Yeah, seems like he was stretching at that point.

"Bo Diddley's gonna play a new song. It's a song about Bo Diddley. It's called 'Bo Diddley put the Rock in Rock N Roll'"

"Bo, it's kind of presumptuous to-"

"Quiet! Bo Diddley did put the rock in rock N roll! Now you best settle down before Bo Diddley takes it back out!"

He did, however write the classic blues song I'm A Man, so thanks for that one! I'm thinking the reason most of his songs were written about himself is ... well... check some of his other titles: You Ugly, Cookie Headed Diddley... and... I'll Lick Yo Face. Yes I'm serious about that one.

"You'll lick my what?!"

"Bo Diddley will lick yo face! Don't make Bo Diddley do it!"

"Bo, Bo... calm down!"

"Do you want Bo Diddley to lick yo face?! Bo Diddley swears he'll do it!"

I don't know why Bo Diddley becomes Ike Turner in my head ;)

Have you seen him?

2010-11-19T09:07:00.000-08:00

Portland, OR — Multnomah County Sheriff’s Office has enlisted the help of local law enforcement agencies just across the state line to pursue a public menace. Authorities have been looking for Klevin McBiel (aka Karaoke Klevin, aka Tunes McGee, aka Tom Jones Lite) for nearly four years.

A Multnomah County arrest warrant was issued for the sing-songy fugitive in April, 2006. It stems from several complaints of loud and awesome karaoke singing pouring out from Portland's seediest roadhouses. The victims at the time were all under the age of 38, one being as young as 19 years old. McBiel has family and friends along the Washington/Canada border as well as close connections in Alaska. In the past he has lived in Colonial Williamstown, NY; Tacoma, WA; and Fresno, CA.

Since being sworn into office one year ago, Multnomah County Sheriff, Judson B. Rumburger, Jr. has placed a high priority on seeking out and arresting karaoke performers who blow too many minds. This week, Sheriff’s Office Citizens Services Commander, Lt. Barry Nutbutter, and Crime Prevention Specialist, Timothy Satchnab, have been handing out wanted posters with McBiel’s picture to businesses along the Oregon/Washington border where he is believed to have been living.

McBiel is 6-foot-8 and weighs about 3 sacks of large russet potatoes. He has blue eyes and was last seen with red hair, but may have changed the color. Do not attempt to confront McBiel directly, as he is known to be wielding a golden microphone and is not afraid to use it. If you may know of McBiel's whereabouts you may be eligible for a reward through Crime Stoppers of Multnomah County. That number is 1-800-555-TIPS (8477).

Short Review of Adellapalooza 2.0

2010-11-16T09:36:00.001-08:00

It went something like this...

"Hahahaha!"

"Shot time!"

"uuuhhhhh.... I'm dying."

Bitch bitching about bitches.

2010-11-10T13:32:00.000-08:00

Sweden is a great country in many ways. We have beautiful, clean nature, a very democratic, equal society and a health care system that would make the Tea Party Patriots vomit with revulsion, just by thinking about how well we take care of those less fortunate. Well, fuck all that! I'd be happy to go all Sarah Palin on those poor fuckers, just to get a piece of some of those great things you have in the USA. I'm not talking about the Second Amendment, Adam Sandler or even Baconnaise.

I'm talking about bitches. Not any ol' kind of bitches (we have plenty of those), but the Uke Crazy Bitches. I want to be with you Uke Crazy Bitches. And most of all, I want to go to the Adellepalooza! Oh man… Just thinking of all of you laughing, singing, playing, drinking, smooching, swordfighting and snacking on sausages without me just breaks my poor sensitive little emo heart.

But I hope the image of me, naked and in foetus position on my cold cellar floor, crying my eyes out - while the rest of my family and friends celebrate my sons 2nd birthday upstairs - won't spoil the party for you all…

Happy Adellepalooza, bitches!

The happy days...

Yeah yeah... We know he's good.

2010-11-06T13:30:00.000-07:00

I love James Hill... I really do. He's nauseatingly talented, refreshingly creative, and by all accounts a damn nice guy. I'm not posting this because of him though - but because of Anne Davison on cello.

The thing is, I've been looking for a cello player for nearly two years under the assumption that the cello is a near perfect compliment for the uke for both bassline and melody. After being pooh-poohed about the idea and told it would never work by a large number of players, here is fine example of the concept. James and Anne have been playing together most of this year and every time I hear them I'm blown away. So yeah, cello + uke = awesome.

Of course, now every clown and his brother will be snapping up cello players like bacon and biscuits, not to mention making James/Anne comparisons when I finally do find a cello buddy myself, but hey - at least I know I was right.

Interview with a Ukulele Bigwig - Aldrine Guerrero

2010-10-25T16:53:00.000-07:00

Dictionary.com lists the origins of the term "bigwig" as coming from around the years 1725–35 and to mean an important person or more specifically, "person important enough to wear such a wig". I'm hoping that we'll be able to score a series of interviews with notable ukulele players that are indeed important enough to sport such wigs; let's call them wigs of awesomeness. So to kick off the first of the series, we have here an interview with Aldrine Guerrero, one third of the team (along with Ryan Esaki and Aaron Nakamura) that brings you Ukulele Underground (www.ukuleleunderground.com), and the face of many ukulele lessons, tutorials, and stellar music performance videos that are to be found on the internet. If you play the ukulele, you've probably heard of him and may have read lengthy bios about the ukulele wunderkind and his many accomplishments as a musician, teacher, teenage heartthrob, and all around cool dude.

Let's get started, shall we?

UCB: If you could invent a salty snack, what materials would you use, what would you name it, and how many varieties would you offer? would there be a shrimp option?

AG: I would call my salty snack "Aldy juniors". It'd be 2 balls of macadamia nuts covered in dark salty chocolate with small thread-like laces of sea salt all around it. I'd offer it as "plain lumps" or "with seaweed"
Shrimp isn't an option but I heard they go well with a single shrimp in the middle.

UCB: Au natural, more seaweed please! If you had a chance to play a recurring character in any 80s sitcom, which would it be and why?

AG: The Hogan family. I'd play Hulk Hogan... well... for obvious reasons *flex*
I'd bodyslam the hell out of Mrs. Toole (if you know what I mean... hehe)

UCB: Huh huh, you said "Toole"... Okay so you're walking down the street and approach an intersection. The light turns red but there are no cars. Do you cross the street anyway or do you press the button and wait?

AG: The question is invalid, I never "walk" anywhere. That's what chauffeurs are for.

UCB: Point taken, answered like a true ukulele bigwig. Well done, sir!
How many marshmallows can you fit in your front left jean pocket before it becomes uncomfortable to walk? How about the right jean pocket?

AG: On the left, it'd be about 3. I would hate for the marshmallows to ruin perfectly good denim. On the right, 376. Helps me with my pimp walk, WHAT UP?!

UCB: If you were at a zoo and could adopt any animal, which would you adopt and what would you name it? The catch is, the animal has to live with you in your house and not in a cage or outside in the yard. oh and you would have to dress it as your twin everyday. Take your time with this question. It's not to be rushed.

AG: I'd adopt one of those zoo workers (those filthy animals) and name him Eduardo. Dress him up like me and have him clean up after me >:0

UCB: My middle name is Eduardo, will you adopt me? No? okay fine.

What color are my eyes?

AG: The color of of beautiful (quasihomo)

A rabid fan..... and Pikachu

UCB: Awww, go on. Well, thanks very much for the interview Aldrine. Your life is as interesting and colorful as your stack of Pokemon game cartridges. Thanks also for being such a generous and upstanding member of the ukulele community.

For further reading, please check out the inimitable Aldrine Guerrero and his ukulele prowess at these following websites:

http://www.ukuleleunderground.com
http://www.youtube.com/ukuleleoversoul
http://www.twitter.com/aldrine
http://aldrine.livejournal.com/

Stay tuned for more interviews from other ukulele bigwigs. Please leave any comments and suggestions for future interview subjects below.

Gear Review - Soprano Gig Bag from Mainland Ukes

2010-10-20T12:01:00.000-07:00

I've never done a ukulele review before because I never felt confident that I could accurately explain how any particular uke sounds or feels. The best I could probably do for a uke review would be to say "It's great!" or maybe "Not shitty. I recommend this thing." A review that's not exactly helpful for anyone. I'll leave ukulele reviews to pros like Ken Middleton and Deach.

Soooo, I thought I'd try to give a review of this ukulele gig bag (aka soft case, aka uke satchel) that I bought from Mainland Ukes a few weeks back. I've had a chance to use it on several occasions where I had to take my ukulele on the go. So far, I love it! It's way lighter than my previous hard shell case and I like the ability to sling it over my shoulder and be discreet on public transit without having to constantly field questions about the contents of my uke case. I mean, it looks like a old timey frontier canteen or maybe a designer colostomy bag so nobody will ever ask what's in it. They wouldn't dare to!

"You can put your uke in there"

(click photo for larger image)

The gig bag has somewhere between a quarter and half inch of dense padding which makes the uke feel very secure when the bag is zipped up. There is a block of foam inside that is designed to support the neck although i'm never sure those things are necessary. If you sit on this case, there's no saving that neck! The rubberized plastic handle of the gig bag is comfortable to grip and feels balanced when you hold it as you parade up and down the sidewalk. The front pouch is spacious enough for storing your Flip camera, mini tripod, tuner, and 8.5x11" music sheets if you fold them in half. Might be good for a hip flask and a few packs of cigarettes if you roll like that. The single padded shoulder strap can be concealed by a zippered flap as seen in the photos below. The gig bag is available in this teal color as well as black. Mike from Mainland says it sells for the special homeboy discount price (for UU and UCB) of $17.95. Note that this isn't the same gig bag that is currently available on the Mainland website. I believe this one is better because of sturdier padding and the addition of a shoulder strap (oh and the color. teal is always better). Please contact him at mike@mainlandukes.com if you are interested in purchasing one.

"Like a transformer but way less violent."

(click photo for larger image)

Also, these gig bags are surprisingly versatile. In a pinch, it can be used as a lunch bag, diaper bag, sassy purse for that blind date, knitting needle storage, grocery bag for salami shopping, etc.

"so many uses!"

Game On

2010-10-09T08:25:00.000-07:00

In 5 short weeks, it'll be time again for The Liver Olympics. I know everyone's been training hard & will come with their game faces on.

I refer, of course, to Adellapalooza 2.0.

It's been 3 years since the first installment- the fist time that any of the UCBers met live & in person. I will never forget that first day (though most of the first night is a blur. The last thing I remember is Russ saying
"This Alize is too sweet. Let's dilute it with vodka!" ). At that time, the ukulele community was considerably smaller- UU was in its infancy- collabs were still a new, novel thing. It seemed crazy to be getting together- completely unreal.

I was looking at some of the pictures this morning & I think what struck me most was "Shit. My house has not changed in 3 years. My crap is all still in the same places."

Nothing could compare to that first visit, but I know this one is going to be equally awesome. I finally get to see Klevin & Grumpy in my native environment, and take them on the 30 second tour of my hometown. Some overdue collabs will be recorded, the 2 other Asian people that live in this county will no longer feel alone, and I get to spend time with the best freaking assholes in the world.

3 years almost to the day. I cant remember the exact date of the first event, but I know it was mid November. It feels like much longer. The craziness that has ensued since then...

I have been consumed by jealousy over the last two get togethers that I wasn't able to attend, and I can't explain how much I'm looking forward to this. I've become quite the Suzie Q Homemaker lately- I have a garden, and I'm doing cross stitching... it's sort of bizarre. I enjoy it, I'm happy... but it's time for a good ole fashioned throw down. Time for the word "balls" to be heard in 20 second intervals, time for impromptu songs & nicknames. It's time for "Seriously, Russ & Booze? Another Neil Young song?", it's time for "Just drink it, you pansy". It's time for inappropriate behavior in public, and gay overtones. It's time.

UU Show at DaSilva's and Other Myths

2010-09-28T13:39:00.000-07:00

Our own Boozelele wrote a recent post about how exceptional it is to be able to travel and play music with folks we met online. He sums it quite well, so I won't waste space reiterating how amazing it is - suffice it to say that it's been the highlight of my grumpy ass little world of late, and I consider myself one of the luckiest SOBs alive to be able to do what we do.

This past weekend, I flew back down to San Francisco to hang out with Russ, Trina, and Corser. Aaron, Aldrine, and Ryan from UU came in from Hawaii for a show at Mike DaSilva's workshop in Berkley, and Russ was one of the opening acts - I could't miss that.

We kicked off the visit by a trip to BevMo - if you are not from California, picture a K-mart that only sells liquor. See the post below for details on that, but just recall the following advice from Trina: "Next time, leave the novelty liquor on the damn shelf..." Wise woman that Trina.

The rest of the weekend was a blur of astonishing food, killer music, hilarious "your mom" jokes, and damn fine friends. The stand out moment of course was the show itself. Like last year, Aldrine invited a big line up of opening acts. This time there was Trina B and Addison, RussBuss (with special grumpy guest), and Monique and her sisters. Everyone killed. It was an intense show - and Ryan and Aldrine really outdid themselves as the main event. Not only did they mange to make two grown men cry (not kidding) but managed to charm the fire department into not shutting the place down from the crowd by just being that awesome. It was a damn fine night. Russ' brother showed up and we all went out and gorged ourselves on pizza until they threw us out of the joint.

A Saturday trip to a great breakfast joint (where Grumpy learns to order properly) followed by the obligatory tour of the Haight and it was time to pack it in and head home.

We spent a lot of time missing our UCB siblings, but managed to hold our own on liquor and insults in your honor. Honestly, I spent most of the time just astonished that I got to participate at all. It's a good life.

Special thanks to the UU heroes for letting me on stage, to Russ for drinking corn whiskey with me and inviting me to play, to Corser for allowing me to sleep on his bed again, and of course to Trina - for tolerance beyond explanation and general awesomeness (next time I get the hashbrowns).

More great pictures here...

Finish the job!

2010-09-27T08:08:00.000-07:00

During the Ukulele Underground tour visit over the weekend, Coyote and I polished off a bottle of Hendrick's gin and about 90% of this corn whiskey. Somebody needs to come back and finish the job.

Motel Buss

2010-09-22T19:27:00.000-07:00

So tomorrow, we'll be hosting ukulele players again. It's time to change the sheets, scrub the toilet, hide the guns, etc. Including this upcoming weekend, we will have played host to more than 10 different ukulele players here in Casa de Corserdog this year alone. This isn't a complaint post, I find it really neat that because of this whole ukulele community thing, we have the opportunity to get close and personal with ukulele players from all over the states (and the world). As a host, I always wonder what kind of things I should do to prepare for our guests. Are there special foods I need to stock up on? Specific liquors? *ahem* herbs?

So I was at the supermarket today wandering the aisles thinking about what I could stock up on. I skip past the frozen pizzas because I figure we can just order a pizza for delivery if we get hungry. I bypass the beer aisle because alcohol is the devil. Big bag of chicken parts? Nah, too much work to clean the grill. Well all I ended up buying was a box of Cheez-Its. Everybody loves Cheez-Its right? I mean, it's un-American not to. I figure that cheese snacks and tap water will make our house one step above a youth hostel, and that's all we ever need to aim for right?

Come On, Who Doesn't Like Boobs?

2010-09-20T19:58:00.000-07:00

That's right, boobs. Naked boobs! Breasts, tits, hooters, jugs, cans, fun bags, dirty pillows. There I said it. It's right here in the body of this blog, hell it's there in the title..and you can be damn sure it will be in the tags. Why? because of the traffic it will generate of course!!!! We all know that sex sells (no one watched Bay Watch for the acting) and it is my contention that youtube videos with breasts, get more hits than those without breasts. Im not sure it is enough to just have it in the title or in the tags, I think the still-shot, the thumb-nail of the video needs to have them (I'm not talking bare breasts here, just a low cut top, or a little cleavage. You want them to watch the vid, not wank the one-eyed-wonder-weasel looking at the freeze frame) And imagine if the uke player also has breasts!!!! Youtube-partner-bucks here we come!!! I am certainly not implying that any of our female ukulele friends don't deserve every single hit/sub they get..but seriously if it meant 100k a year in free youtube money, I'd have them out there more than Pam Anderson, Drew Barrymore, and Anna Nichole-Smith combined!!! (are my references dated?) No matter, you get my point. ....now, If only man-boobs garnered the same response....

The Love Fest is Over

2010-09-19T16:20:00.000-07:00

I never claimed to be a smart man, so if I am wrong here, please someone correct me. It seems to me that a couple days ago this blog had 63 registered followers. We now have 62. That would imply that someone (and you know who you are) made the conscious decision to remove themselves from the list. Kind of like unsubscribing to a youtube channel. Or deleting a face-book friend. I totally understand not following the blog, or not viewing all of the videos that show up in your youtube subscriptions window...but to go in and unsubsribe? Or unfollow our blog? Was it something I said? Maybe it was because my last post was not offensive enough. Well, whoever you are...screw you!

Modern Days Kick Ass

2010-09-18T19:48:00.000-07:00

Its tough returning to work after a vacation. Nine out of Ten times I return to work thinking to myself, "Man, I need a vacation". I think the whole idea of vacation is to return to work rested and rejuvenated. That just doesn't seem to happen. I always need time to recover from my vacation....
...but that's not what I wanted to write about. It dawned on me while flying home from Oakland last weekend that we live in one crazy-ass modern world. With the advent of the Internet, text messages, skype, mpeg's, jet airplanes, gmail-chat etc. the whole world has changed. Add to the techno stuff this little innocent musical instrument and the result is a whirl-wind of video collab's, traveling to meet new friends, making best friends, playing music with people from all over the world, and having more fun than anyone deserves. I have to admit that UCB is a special group. But we are not the only special group! There are a bunch of good people taking advantage of this crazy modern technology to do the same thing we do. You see the Chicago ukers get together and play and then meet-up with the Milwaukee peeps. Casetone plays with Ken and Krabbers. Rel Bar jams with Hoosier Hiver and Derik - DeG, Dirk, Sebi, Ralf, Theresa, people from all over the world, become friends. Aldrine visits So-Cal and as we speak is on his way to the bay area. Michelle plays with Bosko and Honey, and comes to America to meet us all. The list goes on. These uke meetups have become so common, either through the Internet or in person, that it is easy to take it for granted. But I think back just 20 years....I know to many of you that seems like a long time...to me, it's not. No cell phones, no computers (or at least no Internet). We could fly, but there was no way to really know the people at the other end of the flight. Video kinda sucked. 4 track recorders were pretty much the best you could get for your shitty garage band. Now look at us. Don't get me wrong, we are still a shitty garage band, but we practice through skype and gmail chat. We have friends that we would never have known, never could have known before. I'm supposed to be the a-hole in this group, But I gotta say, I love these UCB people. And I am humbled by the opportunity to meet all the other great people from all over the world who come together because of this kooky little instrument. Now...unfortunately I have to get back to work, and allow my body to heal.

Napa Wine Country Ukulele Fest Recap

2010-09-17T18:45:00.000-07:00

I'm a little afraid to say this, because it might ruin my reputation as a complete train-wreck, but I actually remember the events of this past weekend, September 10-13. It may have been that I consumed just the right amount of alcohol or enough water to counterbalance the effects of said alcohol, or maybe the whole adage of "what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger", has suddenly turned me into some kind of hot mess superhero. Whatever it was, I'm happy to report to you what I recall from this weekend of ukulele mayhem.

On Friday, by some act of divinity, Boozelele, Little6ster and GrumpyCoyote (aka GrumpSauceNoPants) all arrived at the Oakland Int'l airport at the same time. Not a few hours apart each, but exactly at the same moment. This means I only needed to make one trip to the airport. You can hear the oil wells all breathe out a big sigh of relief. We then headed straight to Oakland Chinatown where I introduce them (somewhat menacingly) to Vietnamese sandwiches. Turns out they liked the food very much, and they even had a "vegetarian" option for Grumpy. The rest of the day was drinking and jamming at the house. 6ster brought us all some wine from France for our drinking pleasure. Did you know they made wine in France too? Wild!

On Saturday, we (for some reason) had a late start heading out to the Wine Festival in Napa. The drive was beautiful, but extremely long. We were all antsy to get to the event because we were running so late. Boozelele was especially anxious to get there because he was forced to listen to country music on most of the ride. The only times we weren't listening to country music, it was Marilyn Manson on the stereo. Not a good day to be Boozelele. We met Craig Brandau, Cali Rose, Ken Middleton, Don, Bruce and Bruce's son when we arrived at the festival. Kind of farted around for a while and then played some songs with Ken on stage as well as off to the side on a dirt hill. Picnicked with Don, Bruce and son, Dominator and his wife. Browsed the ukulele marketplace section and met some more cool people, Lorenzo (all the way from Italy), Victoria Vox, Mandalyn May. Strummed some ukes, nodded our heads like we understood the subtle differences between tonewoods and strings, then disappeared into the parking lot. It was time to go home and do some serious drinking!! We recorded some tunes that night and were joined by Mandalyn who is a totally cool chick. In case you don't know, she's a roaming musician that just kind of floats around California (and the world) and plays music all over the place. That's cool! She also had a bag of guv'ment chips she got from the Strawberry Music Festival. I just finished the last of it today!

Sunday was something else, the five of us went to eat brunch (or by the time we got out of the house, it was more like late lunch) at an outdoor restaurant on the waterfront of the bay. We had bloody marys, omelettes, burgers and sunshine. Beautiful day to be outside (and alive!). We then ran into some hipsters that had been partying for 2 or 3 days straight and Mandalyn and 6ster took turns serenading a dude that was passed out on a bench. His friends just stood there and laughed and laughed and laughed. We have video of the happenings and it will likely be posted to Youtube soon so keep your eye out for some kind of jackass montage on one of our channels. We then took some prom photos next to the waterfront and then headed home to meet up with Don and Bruce, who were waiting patiently for us while our tardy asses made our way home. More drinking and jamming. It's what we do.

Monday was for hangovers and saying goodbyes. One of the many reasons I hate Mondays so much. Another wonderful UCB gathering full of fun, music, adult beverages and laughs all around. What more can a person ask for? (other than winning the lottery and buying New Hampshire)

Good times....

Here are some songs we recorded this past weekend:

(More pictures to come)

It's Tuesday...

2010-09-14T09:43:00.000-07:00

...and my liver still hurts. I had way too much fun this weekend hanging out with Boozelele, Little6ster, Grumpy Coyote, Mandalyn May (musicmayi), Bruce (uke5417), Don (dearoldnutjob), Ken Middleton, Dominator and his wife Joanne. And before you stop me to say that i'm a name-dropping douchebag, let me continue. I also had the pleasure of meeting Lorenzo (krenfilm), Victoria Vox, Craig Brandau and Cali Rose. Ukulele festivals aren't usually my thing but it can be a lot of fun if you have your friends there and a styrofoam cup full of wine that we snuck onto the property.

I'd write more but I have a lot of recovering to do. Hopefully one of the others will fill you in with more details. Meanwhile, take a look at this photo. You can't look at it without smiling. Go ahead, try!

I don't get it...

2010-09-09T06:28:00.000-07:00

Why is a church in Florida burning Duran Duran recordings? Aren't they about 20 years too late with that?

UCB can haz acting chops

2010-09-01T10:37:00.000-07:00

The Ukulele Underground guys asked for some acting help for their latest ukulele lesson and UCB was happy to deliver. If you must know, we are all classically trained foot actors. That's like a hand model, but with feet and curtain calls. Thanks to Aldrine, Ryan, and Aaron for providing the stage.

Check out Ukulele Underground's video lesson here:
http://ukuleleunderground.com/2010/09/uke-lesson-33-good-riddance-time-of-your-life/

The UCB Philosophy?

2010-08-31T08:47:00.000-07:00

UCB to join the century club

2010-08-26T11:54:00.000-07:00

The UkeCrazyBitches YouTube channel has been stuck on 99 videos for long enough. We've been sitting on our hands (some have been sitting on their thumbs, *ahem Klevin*) waiting to produce a hundredth video. There are many ideas out there for a group video, ideas such as The Jackson 5 (plus 3), Backstreet Boyz vs. nSync, group mentos/dietcoke fizz bomb with tragic ending, Civil War reenactment, the Full Monty, etc.

The problem is, we just can't decide. So we would like to ask you, the public(all 3 of our readers), for advice on what you'd like to see. Please leave your comments and suggestions below. The more ridiculous the idea, the better. Thanks in advance!

Take the UCB Dare!!!

2010-08-23T10:46:00.000-07:00

I dare you to watch this video. Post how long you last in the comments. And I'm sorry

Aw, heck!

2010-08-12T13:11:00.000-07:00

Hoosierhiver debuts the new Mainland Banjo ukulele. Available in winter 2010. If it's as inexpensive as Mike says it will be (around $280), Fergitabboutit! It will fly off the shelves. But I think it needs a nickname. Suggestions?

http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4100/4885985246_9d59e5a899.jpg

FNG's

2010-08-10T15:30:00.000-07:00

Just about a year ago, I was the "F'n New Guy" here at UCB. In a secret ceremony involving three live chickens, 13 black candles, 7 pounds of salt, and a dwarf named "Chico", the UCB gang made me one of their own.

After a year of kicking me around, it's well past time to open the books yet again and indoctrinate two new contributors to our dysfunctional and deliriously happy crew here at UCB.

You may know him as Robin, Baron, BaronK69, the Swedish Chef, or my Scandinavian Candy Bear, but his rockin' style, unstoppable facial hair, and ripping solos make him a great addition to the crew...

And fighting it out with Adelle for our token estrogen provider (even though we all know that title belongs to Russ) the astonishing Little6ster brings the blues, a wicked slide uke, and buckets of French wine.

So please join us in welcoming these two newest members as UCB breaks borders and goes international. Look for collabs, kooky blog posts, and more shenanigans all the way around the globe.

At least I'm not the FNG any more...

If Swayze could do it, so can you!

2010-08-05T13:22:00.000-07:00

Patrick Swayze wrote and performed "She's Like the Wind", which was featured in the gotta-love-it movie Dirty Dancing(1987). Is the song cheesy? Yes. Is it awesome? Also yes. Even if you don't like the song, you gotta give the man credit for writing it. (R.I.P Patrick Swayze)

Do you need motivation to write an original song? Here's a good opportunity to get those creative juices flowing. It's Grumpy's Bring the Song Challenge contest with a very generous prize (mango tenor ukulele) from the good folks at Mainland Ukuleles.

You can find all the details here:

Also, please check out the contest sponsor, Mainland Ukuleles:

Thank you for subscribing.

2010-07-27T08:16:00.000-07:00

I am always thrilled and thankful to see new subscribers to my channel. I feel like I owe them at least the customary "Thanks for the sub" message on their channels. Then if I happen to browse their channel's content and like what I see, I will in return subscribe to their channels. That's makes sense right?

Lately, I've been getting a lot of sub4sub tools that are just subscribing in order to get you to return the favor. You'll know these guys when you visit their channels and they have 0 videos and 5000+ subscribers and belong to Youtube groups such as "sub4sub asstards" and "heylookatme.org". So I get it, that's certain peoples' game: create a Youtube account and see who can get the most subscriptions without hosting any actual content. I'm sure it's a proud thing to claim you have an audience of thousands of like-minded time wasters. Cool, good for you.

Now the part that really chaps my hide. When a sub4sub person subscribes to your channel, then you visit their channel to post the standard good faith "Thanks for the sub" comment, then they in turn post a comment on your channel saying something like "hey, sub me back or i'll unsub you."

um, F U and the H you R in on!

That is all...

Neil Gaiman's Cthulkhelele

2010-07-20T10:46:00.000-07:00

Not sure if it's his, but he posted this awesome monstrosity on Twitter this morning.

I sooo want it.

A Cry for Help?

2010-07-15T09:42:00.000-07:00

Or just attention?

Like the world needed another f-ing forum...

2010-07-06T10:41:00.001-07:00

Chalk this up to "shameless self-promption"... appologies.

The Bring the Song CD is in production. The first compilation should be out by fall of this year (provided some of you stop reading and go make me MP3s damnit... ahem).

The Challenge was so unexpectadly popular that I've expanded on the idea.

The Bring the Song Project.

A community focused on helping one another write and publish songs. I'm setting up more challenges, more compilation CDs, and eventually annual song-writing grants to help musicians get projects off the ground.

One thing that's missing - you. Managing the playlists over at youtube became obcene. I've set up another f-ing forum so we can keep track of stuff and gibber about songwriting.

I need you lot to pop in, help post some songwriting resources, and of course, post your latest creations. It's no fun if I just post to myself. I've tried.

http://bringthesong.org/phpbb

Tune Yards

2010-07-03T13:51:00.000-07:00

Just awesome....

Her name is Merill Garbus - but the act is "Tune Yards", (her and who ever she can grab at the time). Punk sentiment, performance art style, and a distorted baritone uke... what's not to like?

We need more rockin' out on ukes.

Not the Way I Want It, Not the Way I Need It (oooh)

2010-07-02T15:23:00.000-07:00

So, my son is 12 now. Weird age. Half the time he acts like he's 17 & the other half he acts like he's 4. Part of being an almost teenager is driving your parents crazy, right? Well, he's certainly figured out the perfect method. He doesn't slam the door, or stand with fridge open, or anything that I can just "grrr" at then forget about in 5 minutes. Oh no. Not my boy. What he does... it haunts me all night, even after he's in bed. Every day he tortures me- at home, in the car- even in public. It's... it's just wrong. It's horrible. It's.... a Journey song.

"Dooooonnnn't stop beleeeeiiiving... hold on to that fee-ee-lin!"

Oh yeah. Every freaking day.

See, at the last school concert they sang that song. Afterward (after I ran out of the auditorium screaming & projectile vomiting, that is) I informed him that Journey is like my musical achilles heel- like a, like a super-sonic vacuum that sucks all the soul out of me & then I'm all crampy & I have to wash my hands & my ears & go to the bathroom &... well, you get the idea. Not a fan.

I also thought it was really funny that song was chosen. The kids were 11-13. Are they supposed to think Journey is cool? Is this the music teacher trying to "connect" with them? (Then someone told me they did that song on Glee recently.) (Then I asked them my same two questions again.)

Anywho... my son has a pocket full of Journey cryptonite, & he's not shy with it. Walks around the house maybe just humming it quietly, or full blown sings it all exaggerated like. He's clever with it, uses it to his advantage as he knows that I a.) usually forget whatever else we were talking about, & b.) don't mind him going away at that point. I'll suggest some quality family time & he starts singing Journey & all the sudden it's okay for him to go back up to his bedroom/teen-cave. He's smiling & now I have f*cking Journey stuck in my head.

I actually have it stuck in my head right now. Stupid blog entry...

It takes about a month...

2010-06-29T17:52:00.000-07:00

...for me to get video footage from my camera to the internet. That's what you get when you purchase your USB cable from some dude off the side of the freeway off ramp.

There have been many UWC compilation videos out there and I know you're all tired of seeing them, but screw you guys, here is mine anyway.

I want to warn you after you've already viewed this video in front of your children, that there are a couple of mild expletives in there. So don't say I didn't warn you (better late than never right?).

What? It's Uke Related... Sort of.

2010-06-29T14:59:00.000-07:00

Why can't all videos be like this?

He has a uke... fairly certian he's not playing a uke.

Eyes on the Bear...

2010-06-28T11:40:00.000-07:00

Ok you crazy kids. I usually leave this "oversized-glasses girl" thing to UKI, but this one came with a dancing sock bear.

Nauseatingly cute all the way around. Love it.

UWC Jam You Long Time

2010-06-10T11:09:00.000-07:00

So the Ukulele World Congress had its second year of awesome good times and we managed to all make it out alive again (but just barely). There were good people, good booze, and a whole lot of jammin' going on at the field. This year, we decided to step it up a notch and get some actual arrangements prepared ahead of time. Rhythm parts, lead parts, boy parts, girl parts, harmonies, and a shitload of solos. We managed to beat our own record (8m54s) of the last time we recorded this Neil Young tune with the addition of the awesome Little6ster and smokin' solos from the Baron, and stretched it out to just shy of 12 minutes of jamtastic noise. UCB could not be prouder to play with our new international friends. Video below:

And once again, it was really nice to get the whole UCB gang together, Alan, Adelle, Booze, Deach, Grumpy and myself to laugh and have a good time. I only wish we had an opportunity to take a new group photo. Perhaps next year.

Thanks to Mainland Ukulele (Mike and Tookta) for a great party. There should be more (better) recaps coming up from the rest of UCB.

Just 'Cause...

2010-06-08T07:28:00.000-07:00

Still speechless about the UWC. So enjoy this.

If you want to learn it on the ukulele and in English, see this video.

2 Sleeping Times Left till UWC!!!

2010-06-02T08:23:00.000-07:00

Funny, I can't sleep at night because I'm so excited!

UAS CSI

2010-05-28T08:44:00.000-07:00

We just got back from Hawaii and I managed to NOT buy a ukulele. Whatever this UAS thing is, I may have it under control for the first time in a long time. We did stop by Larry's Music Store in Kapaa just to see if Aaron from UU was hanging out that day (he wasn't), but I managed to stay out of the other three or four music stores that dotted the island. I brought along my shitty folding uke and that served me perfectly well during our stay on the garden isle.

Not surprisingly, the guys from Ukulele Underground were super gracious hosts. We didn't couch crash with them, but their spirits delighted/haunted our room every night in the form of slack key kazoo rhythms. No but really, they showed us a good time and recommended some excellent local grindz. I think I gained several pounds from the shave ice alone (how is that even possible? is there lard in ice? cuz that sounds delicious!). A big thank you to Aaron, Aldrine and Ryan for the backrubz. Oh yeah, we even got a chance to have drinks with fellow UU member Faricelli who was also on vacation with his wife. Small world eh?

Anyway, sorry I didn't get anything for you guys. I'll make up for it in inappropriate hugs and heavy petting at UWC. See you bitches soon!

I'm Waiting...

2010-05-22T13:04:00.000-07:00

As the UWC rapidly approaches, we are all faced with decisions. What ukes should I bring? How much booze? What songs should I practice? Should I hump the Barons leg, or just french kiss him?

Seriously- meeting The Baron, for me, is going to be the highlight of the UWC. How could you not love this guy? How could his down n dirty, sultry, too many nights in a bar voice not make you swoon?

I always pictured Baron in my head as being really big- tall, solid- huge. Like a brick wall of ukulele smackdown- someone not to be fucked with. Okay honestly- that's not how I've always pictured him. There was a theory- born not solely from my mind, but with the help of another anonymous uke player ::cough:: Deach ::cough::- that the Baron was actually a half-man: that his body ended at his waist & he was legless. We only thought that for maybe, like six months- because all of his vids were shot from about there up, & the rest of him was never in frame. Of course that couldn't have meant he was simply adjusting the camera that way- obviously there had to be a bigger secret- such as "I have no legs". Eventually he did post a full body video, and we were forced to admit that perhaps, just perhaps, we had been exaggerating.

Was I heartbroken? No- I was happy. I'm glad The Baron has legs. I bet they're quite sexy. But it did initiate my second line of thought- which was that The Baron's probably some huge biker-esque guy that you would talk smack to until he stood up & then you'd immediately start calling him "Sir". But that theory has also been blown out of the water- by videos in which he stands next to other people & fails to dwarf them, and also by my almost-husband, who has had the pleasure of getting extremely drunk with The Baron on a few occasions while visiting Sweden.

I expressed my sadness to Russ in an email & without asking him first I'm going to quote his reply to me: "Baron is definitely not a tall Swede. but he could probably crush a lot of people if he tripped and rolled down a hill. A wee wrecking ball." (Russ-ism's are the best, aren't they?)

So Baron- I hope your liver is well rested & I hope you have some stain resistant pants. Because we are going to get you drunk & take advantage of you, oh yes.

Manitoba Hal blows the doors off of Sixteen Tons

2010-05-22T10:14:00.000-07:00

Now this is how to use a loop station. Also love that snakebite distortion. For that matter, cool mic.

From the list of Things You Should Never Know

2010-05-19T09:36:00.001-07:00

Ever wonder what your Aunt Sally does on her days off from the Call Center? Well, watch and learn:

WWJD?

2010-05-14T09:11:00.000-07:00

In other words, What Would JasonMrazzz Do?

The Ukulele World Congress is coming up in a few weeks. For those of us flying to the party, we have to make the very difficult choice of which ukulele to bring along. I know it's not exactly "Sophie's Choice", but this decision has been plaguing me for the past few months. I'd like to bring my beater Fluke because there's a good chance I'll be losing it in the fields again. However, I'd also like to bring one of my Mainland ukes that have the built-in pickup so I can plug-in onstage for the open mic sessions. Thirdly, I'd like to bring the U-bass so UCB can get all full bandy on these mofos. What to do, what to do?

You know how airlines are these days, they want to charge you for every single thing you bring on the plane: check-in baggage, carry-on baggage, oversized hats, bad attitudes, etc. It's gotten so ridiculous. Last year, I brought a biggish backpack and my Fluke so i didn't check-in any luggage. That worked out fine AND I only wore half the stuff I brought (I guess bringing a button down shirt, necktie, and dress shoes to a party in the woods wasn't necessary. Go figure.). That means this year I can pack less clothes and mayyybe stuff a second uke into my backpack. Or maybe I don't need a change of clothes at all. I'll just triple up on the deodorant.

So what are you guys bringing? (Other than your A-game)

Yay! It's Back!

2010-05-11T09:29:00.000-07:00

The Otamatone makes another appearance.

Well Fine Then

2010-05-09T10:38:00.000-07:00

Alright- ya know what? To hell with you guys. I tried to post a nice, uke related blog- all calm & rational & sensical... & what do I get? Well not comments, that's for sure. So fine. You've backed me into a corner. Ya wanna know what I *really* think?

I think that getting extremely drunk & watching Lost right before bed gives you some severly messed up dreams. Whacky, whacky shit.

I think that it's important to set realistic goals for yourself. That's why my goal for the UWC this year is to vomit on someones shoes.

I think that Mothers Day is freaking awesome- it's even better than my birthday. I told my twelve year old son I wanted him to paint my toe nails for me & you shoulda seen the look on his face. Pure terror.

I think that snow in May is ridonkulous- but it still snowed here this morning.

I think that the fact that someone sent me a message on Youtube Friday solely to tell me that they had surpassed me in subs was jaw dropping. They shalt remain nameless of course.... but I figure that the size of this persons balls would make them easily recongnizable if anyone should ever run into them. I mean seriously- do you have to get specially tailored pants for that?

Good for what ails ya

2010-05-08T10:03:00.000-07:00

Boredrum. It happens. It happens in any relationship & there's no shame in it happening to us & ukuleles. It doesn't mean we don't still love em- there's no need for new comers to ::gasp ZOMG:: about it. There's no reason to lie about it. We should say it loud, say it proud- "I'm getting bored!!"- cause that's when other people can jump in with suggestions & help renew interest.

My recommendation for today is: change tunings. So fun. I dropped my fluke down a half step & I played every song I knew. Then I dropped it another half step & did it again. Some songs sounded fantastic- better in my opinion. Others... sucked. All were fun. It's a bit of a challenge to sing tunes you've gone through a million times in a different key- finding all the right notes. Before I knew it- I'd been playing for a couple hours.

Now I have a burning desire to do this to all the ukuleles I own & see what sounds good how... or something ;p

Grumpfest, now with 100% more Hobbit!

2010-05-07T16:03:00.000-07:00

So if any of you remember, half of UCB had a little gathering up in Seattle this past January. Booze and Grump kept making fun of me for running the video camera all the time like a stereotypical Japanese tourist (Jokes on them, I'm not Japanese, I'm 80/20 Columbian and Persian). Anyhow, I've been sitting on all this random footage plus the only actual performance footage we got while we were hanging out with Howlin' Hobbit. So here is "Girl from Ipanema" performed by Howlin' Hobbit, Boozelele and Grumpy on lead lute cut with random footage from that weekend.

Notable moments:
0. "Taint song" jam on the bleachers (old footage from previous Portland trip)
1. Visiting the Fremont Troll
2. Buying fried things at Ivar's on the waterfront
3. Pike Place Market and street musicians
4. Some tool in a Subaru
5. Shopping for beer with Howlin' Hobbit
6. Cheez-its
7. Booze cutting the 3rd or 4th pizza of the night
8. Jazzzz handzzz
9. Booze forcing us to "walk" on the Burke-Gilman trail
10. Two clowns film each other for ultimate act of geekdom
11. Grumpy stares at bubbling swamp water
12. Getting hype by the edge of the lake
13. Giant bird's nest
14. Outtake from Spanish Harlem video
15. Malt liquor

Mandalyn May - "Come Again"... wow.

2010-05-06T11:30:00.000-07:00

I can't stop watching this. Great playing - wonderful voice. Just perfect.

Deach's dog?

2010-05-05T10:29:00.000-07:00

Methinks the dog heard "I'm Yours" once too often.

Am I late for the interwebz?

2010-05-04T11:45:00.000-07:00

So the other night I was trying to visit Hulu- slightly drunkish- mistyped by one letter- a K instead of L aaaaand: Holy Freaking Crap My Head Exploded (Need volume on) Totally SFW, SFK- just.... I... I can't explain it. There is an ending. I know. I know because I waited. (To be honest with you, in my state at the time- I found it freaking hysterical).

I also almost forgot to show everyone this completely awesomeness squared video I came across a couple months ago, and I thought it would balance out the other thing I showed you, whilst also included ukuleles :)

The "Best"

2010-04-28T11:18:00.000-07:00

Ok... Pet Peeve Wednesday.

We’ve been over this theme in general, but this specific version makes me nuts. When posting publicly on forums and such why is it some people insist on asking for advice on the “best” whatever it is without any context?

For example:

“What’s the best amp I can get for $x?” or “What‘s the best uke for a beginner?” Or my favorite “best stringz??” with no qualifier of any kind.

Although I know our readers understand it – I’m compelled to reinforce… “Best” is totally subjective and largely meaningless without a great deal of limiting parameters. There is no such thing as the “best uke for a beginner”, or expert for that matter.

If you find yourself typing the word “best”, try this instead:
Tell people what you want to do (I need it to be able to blaablaablaa…), tell them what you like (I prefer amps that blaaablaablaa) tell them what you DON’T like (I hate plain looking ukes that blaablaablaa) and then ask what type of X may fit well. That’s context. That’s asking for help with some hope of actually getting advice you can use. That’s actual communication between humans.

Asking for the “best” without specific context of any kind is the equivalent of a football coach trying to tell his team how to win the game by standing on the sidelines an yelling “SCORE SCORE SCORE”. It doesn’t help anyone and it's very unlikley to get you what you want.

UWC IS COMING!

2010-04-26T12:03:00.000-07:00

As UWC 2010 draws near it is interesting to see just how popular this thing is becoming. I blogged about the dangers of events becoming too popular back in July, right after the 2009 UWC, and looking back now I think I underestimated just how big this thing would be. Regardless it was still a damned fine blog. Aside from the popularity though, I hope I was wrong about potential problems said popularity might bring...but in case it all goes to hell I want to be able to say "I told you so", so here is that blog...

(but just to hedge my bet, I could be completely wrong...I often am)

Damned Ukulele Playing Hippies

I was lying in bed last night thinking... (as I tend to do when I should be sleeping) and my mind wandered back to the Ukulele World Congress. I don't think anyone who attended could possibly have anything but great memories from that weekend. The location the atmosphere and the hosts were absolutely perfect. As I was laying there thinking about how great it was I couldn't help but begin to worry about how its awesomeness could eventually be its undoing.

I have heard many folks who were not at The Congress talking about attending next year. In fact it seems there are many more non-attendees getting excited about next year's event than there were people who actually attended. And in my opinion, popularity can be a double-edged sword...

...READ THE REST, IT GETS BETTER

Negative Nancy...

2010-04-22T15:09:00.000-07:00

I was in a shitty mood all week. This didn't help, but it did render me speechless for a while. I still can't feel my tounge.

Uking the Vows

2010-04-22T10:16:00.000-07:00

Groom plays his uke for his bride during vows. In other news, prom dresses can now double as wedding dresses.

Uke + Mando + Vag = Pure Magic

2010-04-21T08:27:00.000-07:00

Okay, so this is usually Alan's thing but I thought I'd share a Youtube video that I found particularly entertaining.

Yes, they're a novelty act, but if you watch and listen they're really good. The song is clever and they both sing and play their instruments very well. Coyote will especially like this because the chick with the vag on her head is rocking a mandolute. I guess it is possible to perform at an open mic without uttering the words "Hey There Delilah" or "I'm Yours". I hope to see more from these two, music-wise. Although this isn't their channel, so I'll just have to keep my eye out for any uke performers with pink headgear.

Song for Today

2010-04-20T06:49:00.000-07:00

She would like some subscribers.

Great way to build up your immune system

2010-04-19T10:30:00.000-07:00

Hate, in all its wonder and glory, has often been a topic or general mood here on some of these UCB blog posts. I was reading the paper the other day (go ahead and take a guess where I was reading it) and this short article caught my attention. It was regarding a homeless man in Berkeley called "The Hate Man". If you climb to the top of the mountain to look for the wise man with the answers, this might just be him.

article here:
http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2010/04/11/BA831COQP3.DTL

If you want real hate, check out the comments on that article. Yikes!

Nuts in your mouth, not in your hand

2010-04-16T15:29:00.000-07:00

I was just in the kitchen enjoying a bag of pistachios. I say "enjoy" because I truly enjoy the whole process: dumping a pile of salty pistachios on a sheet of paper, shelling them one at a time and popping them in my mouth, coming across the occasional nut that isn't fully opened so i try cracking it with my molars sending shards of pistachio shell all up in my gums, folding that sheet of paper in half and carefully walking it over to the garbage can to dispose of the shells, slipping on a banana peel and cartoonishly falling feet up in the air while tossing all the shells airborne until you land flat on your back with a hard thud and the shells fall in your face with a few landing in your mouth and then you spit them out while saying some amusing catchphrase like "Aww, nut again!". You know, the whole shebang.

Well I was halfway through the bag when I bit into one of the nuts and cringed at the bitter taste and unusual texture. What did I just bite into? a bug? a bug turd? did the nut shart itself? is that even possible? It only took a couple of seconds to realize that I didn't really want to know what it was I bit into. I just had to keep eating more nuts to get that taste out.

What would you do in that situation? Do you stop eating or keep going? Do nuts shart?

By the way, I played ukulele today. It was delightful.

It's Pronounced Oooookooooolaylay.

2010-04-13T22:10:00.000-07:00

I haven't bitched, I mean "blogged" in a while, so I've been holding a lot inside. But "DearOldNutjob" made a comment on Russell's last blog which brought up something that's been bugging me for a long time. That is the "....it's pronounced ____" thing. As in her name is Sade but "it's pronounced" Sharrday. Or his name is Favre, but it's pronounced Farv. WTF? Here is a good one...Duke basketball coach Mike Krzyzewski....Mike What? Well duh, its pronounced Sha-chef-ski. Well I'm not playing that game anymore. To me, Sade will always rhyme with "made."

BTW....My name is Kevin, but it's pronounced "Bite me".

Son of Guitarra

2010-04-13T15:47:00.000-07:00

Judging by the age of my Youtube channel, I've been fussing around with the ukulele for a little over two years now. Not really fussing though, but it's been my primary means of making noise for that period of time. I would pick up my guitar now and then but soon be right back to the four stringed bugger that is the uke.

Over the weekend, I decided to sit down and play as many songs as I could on my dreadnought guitar. One thing I'm happy to report is that playing uke hasn't confused any muscle memory I had from playing guitar for the ten years before I got a uke. The chord shapes still came out the way they were supposed to without mistaking a D for a G. Playing the two instruments back and forth wasn't much of a problem but I'll freely admit, I was completely sober at the time. I'll have to try this test again when I'm three shits to the wind. That is the term right? Three shits? No? Well to hell with you then!

One thing that was a little funky was that I found myself doing ukulele type strums on the guitar and it certainly didn't sound or feel right. Wasn't "Chunk" the name of that fat kid on Goonies? I can't think of the last time I had a Baby Ruth, or a Mars bar for that matter. Do they still make those? Oh yeah, this kid in my elementary school used to sell individual Pixie Stix in the schoolyard like it was crack. And lets admit it, that's basically what it was. I used to chew on a whole lot of sourgrass and that was free. After I realized how many dogs probably peed on it, I reduced the amount from "a whole lot" to just "a lot".

LOST is on at the same time as both American Idol and Glee tonight. Life ain't fair.

Wait, I'm not on twitter right now am I?