Like it long?

Recently my Youtube channel put up a message that says I'm now able to upload videos longer than 15 minutes.  Since we all know that more is more, is anybody up for a shitty hour long collab of Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah?

To test the upper limits of Youtube, I uploaded this 4 hour long video.  You should watch the whole thing.  It gets pretty good towards the end.

Not Pointing Fingers Here, But...

Dear Mr. Vedder

I appreciate the effort - I do. It's a fine album of original uke music. I particularly like the fact that it's not Hawaiian music. Not thatI dislike Hawaiian music, but that's been done. So you made a contemporary singer/song writer album focusing on uke. I like that.

But seriously Ed (may I call you Ed?) did you have to call the thing "Ukulele Songs"? Now every pearl-jam-flavored wannabe douche nozzle who scoffed at the uke now thinks it's cool because of you. The open-mics I go to are now awash in fresh uke players who are just dying to show me their Zebra-wood Kalas and Malaka Dolphins. Not to mention every easy-listening middle of the road blank-spot. You managed to dilute the uke even further by adding two more audiences I have no respect for.

But that's just me and my bias... Let's talk exploitation. You are arguably a mega-music star. Slightly washed up and irrelevant, but still pretty much any music you decided to make would have sold eleventybillion copies. But by calling your album "ukulele songs" you targeted an audience you never had before - uke enthusiasts. You also capitalized directly on the novelty *and* rising popularity of the uke to make people pay attention to you and see you as somehow musically fresh. It stinks of a pandering gimmick - one you didn't need to do.

All of which is understandable - except for the outcome you didn't foresee. Overexposure.

You have dominated my facebook stream email and twitter. Family members I hate to hear from and are generally blissfully silent now send me articles and reviews about you and your album. I have been sent the same NYT review about your stunt no less than 12 times. For that dull, repetitive offense I simply can not forgive you.

As the wave of uke popularity breaks and people begin to backlash and boo whenever we pull one out at show, you can blame yourself. Your intentional overexposure was the straw that broke the back. It went from obscure and kind of quirky and cool, to that tired shit Vedder played out to death in '11. You did that. You are the Tiny Tim of this phase of the repeating uke fads. "Tiny Ed" if you will. The bullet in the head to any shred of the unexpected or interesting that was left in making contemporary uke music.

Unfortunately you never took up the accordion. No one would complain if those get shoved back in the closet.

UWC'11 Trip Report

So here I was trying to write a trip report for UWC'11 when it occurred to me that I really could not do a better job than Miss Lonna did in the Ginley Gulch guestbook.

I'll post anecdotes and such later, but this is why we love Shawn and Lonna so. Well, this and the macaroni and cheese.

Also - true story.

No room for another UWC sticker

No room on my uke for another UWC sticker so I'm staying home this year. I'll miss hanging out with the UCBs and our extended family. I'll miss having an excuse to wear my overalls. I'll miss carrying Russ home.

Maybe next year......

Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day to our bad ass UCB mothers Adelle and 6ster.

(sorry, no funny, snarky, or hateful content)

El Kabong

Only four strings. Just sayin'.

Look, It's My Sack!

Not sure if any of you care about this but I'm going to post it anyway.

A few months ago, I was in France doing research on cheese, pâté and wine.  And by "research", I mean I was cramming them into my gullet.  One of my goals, other than to gain 15 pounds in fois gras weight alone, was to make a few Youtube videos.  The kit you see above was my airplane carry-on satchel and contained everything I needed to make videos in case my check-in luggage got lost and was forced to wear the same outfit for 2 weeks.  Unless of course I was able to buy some haute couture from the Charles De Gaulle Airport snack shop.  Then I'd be set (and Euro stylin!).

What's great is that this bag was also a good place to keep our maps, brochures, passports and there was a zippered pocket where I could dump all the Euro coins I got as change for purchases (mostly batteries and band-aids).  I don't know about you guys, but figuring out exact change when you make purchases in a foreign country with foreign looking coins always frustrates me.  I'd rather just hand the cashier a bill and have them give me change, which then goes into the bag with all the other change.  By the end of the trip, it felt like I had a few kilos of change sloshing around the bag.

Now that I think of it, Grumpy has a similar man pouch that he carries with him on trips.  Though I'm pretty sure he just uses it to carry his Beanie Babies and ChapStick.

One Uke at A Time!!

Of all the annoying trends in the ukulele community (you are keeping count right? I lost track…) there is one that has to be the top of my pet peeve list. I think of it as the “Happy Ukes Saving Blind Baby Marmots from Wars” syndrome. You’ve seen these things right? Some overblown well-meaning charity – usually dealing with children and or world peace with a mission statement that reads like a hallmark card in a Maui tourist-trap gift shop.



Aloha! (Note the superfluous exclamation point. That’s certain to get my respect.)

My name is Bake Jimambukuru (What? Oh please, like you weren’t thinking it by the time you read the words "Blind Baby Marmot". I pick on him because he can take it…)

Our mission here at Happy Ukuleles to Save the Blind Baby Marmots from War is to make sure everyone everywhere can feel the simple joy of the ukulele and thereby make the world safer and kinder by spreading Aloha spirit through blind baby marmot happiness. The ukulele IS the world’s happiest instrument and no one can resist its charms! (Note the absolute certainty and conviction that ukes CAN make a difference – and the insistence that everyone everywhere agrees that the uke is a “Happy Instrument!!”)

We firmly believe that the joyful sounds of ukulele music can save the world – one uke at a time!! (Not remotely unrealistic, and note the almost universal catch phrase – “One Uke at a Time!!!”)

I’m not just picking on Jake here – there are dozens of these things, with more springing up all the time. All very similar in formula.

Ok now look… I am not against charity. I give generously. Money, time, and yes – even musical instruments to causes year round. I even joined a Kiva mico-loan group started by the amazing Mike Hater called “Ukulele’s to Decrease World Suck”, and re-invest my loans with folks all over the planet. But there is something unpretentious about the Kiva group, and my other charities. They don’t put unbelievably obnoxious and unattainable – and completely inexplicable – personifications on the ukulele. "Decreasing Suck" seems within reasonable grasp.

“If more people played the uke, there would be less wars and violence!”

Really? So, Jeff Dhalmer wouldn’t have eaten prostitutes if someone would have just handed him a uke? I’m unconvinced.

Look. People suck. With very few exceptions, people are selfish and hateful at best and unbelievably cruel otherwise. What do you get when you give an asshole a uke? An asshole with a uke. That’s it. Nothing changes.

Music education makes a difference? Yes – arts education makes for a better culture. Real and practical time, effort, and money for those who need help? Hell yes. Ukes for Peace? Not going to happen.

There is another side to this though – and it’s more annoying than the charity angle – at least those things are trying to *do* something. An incredibly naive and largely useless something, but it’s something.

The stuff that REALLY bends my noodle the wrong way is the incessant and inane insistence that the ukulele “makes people happy!” Enough already. I am not just speaking for myself here, but as a musical instrument the uke is capable of incredible melancholy, soulful expression, and deep heart-felt emotion - even rage. The uke has range. If all you get out of the uke is “it makes a happy sound” – you are doing it wrong. The uke has range.

The two phenomena are related – and result in a very strange assumption by some that the “uke community is the bestist!” and somehow better, more giving and vastly superior to everything else. While I admit – playing the ukulele has led me to some lasting and real relationships that I treasure, I’m not silly enough to blame the uke. Most people still suck. In fact I know several uke players who I’d rather light on fire than ever speak to again. I know couple of cyber-stalking creep uke players. I know a violent and misogynistic uke player. I know quite a few over-zealous homophobic hateful uke players. I know drug addicted, alcoholic, misanthropic miserable people (not just me – shut up) who play the uke. More jerks, self-centered nozzles, and utter tool-bags than you could shake a vintage Martin with a fret buzz at. In fact, after three years in the happy island heart of the uke community, I hate just as many uke players as regular people – if not more. The proportion of people who suck is just about the same.

So I beg you, for the sake of my sanity – and the dignity of baby marmots everywhere - please stop. The uke is an amazing instrument capable of inducing a smile *and* a tear. It does not make anyone a better person, and it will never – ever – save the world.

Now go *do* something.

Warning: Your junk is exposed!

Do we rag on Youtube enough?  You know, Youtube, that thing we all compulsively use but at the same time can't stand?  Well anyway, there is a new flaw in their system that will allow some people to see your private and unlisted videos when you upload them.  I discovered this recently when I tried to discreetly share a video of me doing a patriotic tap-dance to a medley of Miley Cyrus and Dido songs with my friend Adelle.  I had marked the video "unlisted" so that she could share the video with other members of her clan.  However, within minutes of the upload, I started getting random comments on my video.  Eddie Vedder commented that he'd seen better (and sexier) patriotic dances, Jake Shimmy wrote that my video made him feel uncomfortable but that he watched to the finish anyway, and finally that little Japanese boy who plays I'm Yours on ukulele commented to me a simple "Meh..."

I found out from a fellow Youtuber that people are able to go one step further when subscribing to your channel and they can opt-in to receive email notifications when you upload videos.  This notification includes videos that you mark as Private or Unlisted.  Not cool Youtube, not cool....

Until they get this fixed, you would be wise so save your sexy underwear dance videos for another time.  That or share them the old school way, via Friendster.  Does anybody use that anymore?

Portlandia

So, rather than write up a review of Portland and Boozefest 2 I thought I'd just post this image of Russelle and Boozelle preparing for the trip.

It's not because I can't remember anything that happened. Really.

I do recall something like this... Vividly.

Screw you Glee.

Ok...

So I found this awesome bass in a guitar shop. I've been monkeying around with bass on a few UCB vids over the last year or so. I don't know how to play it, but I like it... So when I found this Epiphone Viola Bass for several hundred off retail, I couldn't resist. I figured I'd pack it along to our upcoming Portland UCB shindig and try it on a few numbers. then, I'd try a few bar gigs around here... everyone lets a bass player sit in. I'd get to play more often and not have to take center stage.

I got it home, learned a few blues grooves, and felt pretty snazzy about the purchase. Aside from Sir Paul, i've never really seen many folks with that shape and the floating bridge... I got to feeling I made a pretty classy purchase. I always thought they were pretty damn cool. It seemed nearly unique, special even.

And then it happened. I got a Facebook PM from some "friend" I don't actually know...

"KOOL new GLEE bass! I sooooo want one just like it ever since I saw it on Glee. You'll have to get the red bass cabinet amp thing too!"

Yeah.

You folks know me. Is there anything I have ever posted that suggests I enjoy, watch, am aware of, let alone strive to emulate Glee? That show, the few times I've seen it, registered in my brain as a toothache with auto-tune. I can assure you, I was not trying to pay homage to what I consider a song murdering pap-fest on (shiver) commercial network television. (Note: If you are not familiar with the television show Glee, I salute you - and warn you that Russ and/or Aldrine will be along shortly to fill you in on all the musical high-school hijinx...)

I thought I made myself clear over the years. I am a snob. A hateful, petty, pretentious snob. If you like it, I probably think it sucks. Hell, if you like it, and others like it, I probably think *you* suck.

So now, every time I play that thing... someone will mention Glee. Every time. Screw you Glee.

Yes but which spice are you?

Yesterday, I had an hour long round table discussion with the guys regarding this tough issue.  If we were to live the Spice Girls movie (and who wouldn't want to?), which spice would you be?  I'm thinking Alan would be Scary Spice,  Adelle would be Punch You in the Balls Spice, the Baron would be Delicate Spice, Booze would be Old Spice, Deach would be He Who Controls the Spice, Grumpy would be Dungeons N' Spice, Little6ster would be Smurfette Spice and I would most likely be Five Spice.  If I got any of that wrong, please correct me in the comments below.

Would this movie work?  Who could play the tour bus driver's part better than Meat Loaf?  Have we really run out of things to blog about?  Where is the infinite wisdom of Tony Robbins when you need him the most?

On flying the friendly skies.

I'm a little hesitant to post a rant so soon after Booze's message about Japan.  I've been to Sendai several years ago on a visit to Japan and this whole situation has me still feeling a little shellshocked.  It's incredibly heartbreaking to hear about the number of people still missing from the resulting tsunami.  I hope their families can eventually find some closure in this matter whether they be found alive or not.  Can we all observe a moment of silence before I continue with this post?

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Okay so I've just returned from a visit to France, or as Rel-Bar put it, the "Old World".  That just sounds so cool doesn't it?  Like I just visited some place right out of a Dungeons & Dragons game set.  And no, I'm not going to clown on Dungeons & Dragons.  GrumpyCoyote is "cool" no matter what geeky shit he's into, and that's final!

Anyway, this post is about the TSA, or Transportation Security Administration for those of you who aren't lucky enough to live in the United States to experience their special brand of "customer service".  I've flown many times after 9/11 and am quite used to the heavy flight restrictions we are to endure because of terrorist threats.  The TSA was created by the Department of Homeland Security to ensure our safety in a government regulated fashion.  I wouldn't call it a necessary evil because I get it, we're living in shitty, scary times.  People try weird stuff like lighting their shoes or underwear on fire, it's messed up, and definitely not cool.  We absolutely need this agency.  What we don't need, is their crappy attitude. 

Everytime I pass through a security checkpoint in an American airport, I make it a point to smile and say hello to the TSA person that reviews your boarding pass and personal identification.  They usually return the friendliness with a stern look of disapproval and bark at you if you're walking too fast or too slow, or if you headed down the wrong lane.  Sorry, it was confusing because they arranged the retractable nylon barriers in some kind of strange labyrinth that is designed to lead you to certain death (or a full body cavity search).  And we're stuck complying with their rude ushering and demands because nobody wants to rock the boat and appear terrorist-like right?  We are just happy sheep doing our best to follow directions in order to make it to the other side of security so that we can enjoy a $15 sandwich and a Dean Koontz novel from the terminal bookstore.

Okay in their defense, they deal with thousands of anxious and annoyed travelers on a daily basis.  It's enough to wear anybody out.  That's when you start to look for new job.  Judging by the ads i see on daytime TV, you can become a vet tech, car mechanic, medical billing specialist, or personal masseuse in less than 2 years and you don't even need your GED.  A pretty sweet deal for these disgruntled TSA jagoffs.

Oh and another thing, you know that Backscatter X-ray (aka Whole Body Imager, aka tit/nutsack/brain scanner) machine they spent millions of dollars on?  Well it appears that it doesn't save anybody any time or effort.  After they took an "adult" photograph of my genitals and then reviewed it carefully on a monitor like I was a grade school science project, I was then to suffer through a pat-down, and then a machine was used to sample the palms of my hands for traces of who knows what; gunpowder, toxic waste, nacho cheese residue, etc.  So in the end, instead of me just walking through a good ol' fashioned metal detector, this machine required 3 separate TSA personnel, a gigawatt of electricity, and everybody's precious time while they sorted things out.  I may be wrong, but I thought a fancy expensive machine like this was supposed to simplify the process.  Hmmm, maybe it's just a government conspiracy to catalog all nutsacks and funbags in some sort of kinky searchable database.  That makes perfect sense now that I think of it.

Also, did I forget to mention I approached the security checkpoint dressed as the artist formerly known as Cat Stevens and holding a lit molotov cocktail in one hand and an AK-47 in the other?  Maybe that didn't help. Hmmmm...

Gomen Nasai

When I wrote my last post I had no idea that my mention of "Tokyo", and " tsunamis" would be so timely. Although the tsunami created by the earthquake off the coast of Northern Japan did cause some damage to the Oregon and California coastlines, and of course to the islands of Hawaii, it is nothing like the devastation which happened and continues to happen in Japan. All of us at UCB send our thoughts and best wishes to our friends in the land of the rising sun.