Monday, August 31, 2009



I give up, world.

You win.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

This Woman Hates Me

This girl
has subbed every UCB'r except me. Not only is this like Tom from myspace not being your friend, but I actually gave her a ride one time and told her how much I liked her music. Hell, I was alone in a hot tub drinking with her until like 3:00 A.M. (ok, she wasn't drinking...but I sure was...and we weren't really alone, Ben Mealer was there too...and I may have been more than a little obnoxious...) But damn it. She doesn't have to like my music, or even like me for that matter... in fact I would respect her even more if she didn't...hell, she is even one of my facebook friends...and still no sub! Obviously not only does she hate me, but God hates me too.

Saturday, August 29, 2009


Oh, Youtube, how do I hate thee? Let me count the ways...

Supposedly, you capture the 3 still frames from the videos beginnning, middle & end. But I think I'm on to you, Youtube. Yeah.. I know all about you & your game. Maybe you don't play it with everyone, but you're playing it with me. And I don't think that's nice, Youtube. I don't think it's nice to not tell me we're playing a game. I mean, you made the rules, you could at least tell me it's on, it's go time.

I know what you're doing. You wait & you wait... then "There! There it is! That's it!"

The retard face.

At some point, I make the retard face... my mouth is open, one eye is squinted all funny & the other is like, fully open & looking off to the other side or something... my hand is a blur cause I'm in midstrum, but it's debatably close to my chest in the international "doy" sign. I look like I'm either gonna sneeze, throw up,or just got done doing both of those things at once. If you tried to type out the sound it looks like I'm making, it would be "nyeeeeehh".

And that's when you freeze frame. I hope you're all getting a good chuckle there in the breakroom, Youtube. Sipping your coffee... or maybe herbal tea cause I have a feeling your kinda wussy like that... it'd be apple cinnamon or something... gettin your kicks off of my retard face. I know you got pushed into lockers in highschool, Youtube, but that's no reason to give me a hard time now.

Oh, and if I offended anyone with the word "retard".... what are you doing reading the UCB site? Offensive is our thing ;)

Leaving for the US

But before I go, I hearby officially rename the City of Pattaya, Thailand "AlanTown". "UKICity" came in a close second...

Friday, August 28, 2009

YAY! A hater!!

Whew! It's been a while since I received a Youtube comment from a hater. But today, I got this from ramonesrock2074 on my old video of "I Don't Want to set the World on Fire":

ramonesrock2074 (6 minutes ago)

ur a nigger

Thank you, rr2074! You've just settled a life-long debate for me!


Man, it's taking me forever to get to 1,000 subs.

Hot Ukulele Stud Alert

Okay, since Russie asked for it (yh), here's a uke stud-muffin.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

writers block fail

so maybe it's time for some lube, because these creative juices just aren't flowin'. there are only 4 more days left in August and i can't seem to come up with anything for Grumpy's Bring the Song Challenge. anyhow, i may have to just fail for August and have better hopes for September. maybe by then something happy or tragic will happen in my life and i'll be inspired to jot down some words. maybe an anvil will fall on my head tomorrow and i'll be in too much of a vegetative state to have to write anymore. i wonder if Adelle and Grumpy would like me more as a vegetable.

how do you prolific songwriters do it? is it the heroin? cuz i can find heroin....

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

You Can Do Better Than That!!!

I just got two comments for the same youtube video...literally seconds apart....

1. From lawjent: your my hero:D

2. From 4clurtie: You're an idiot. You should be arrested. hope you don't kill anyone but yourself when you have your crash.

..seconds apart in time, yet miles apart in tone. I've always wanted the "go kill yourself" comment. Is this as close as I'm going to get?

Cute Ukulele Babe Alert

For those who enjoy the "drug-abuse chic" look, here's Léna, from Paris. Sometimes her voice reminds me of chipswow, who's also from France.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Santa Condom

Yep. This Santa is made of condoms...

I was going to write a whole article on my first day in Bangkok, but Santa Condom really speaks for himself.

At first I thought the "Santa Burger" chain was an isolated Thai misappropriation of St. Nick... but then this. Apparently it is x-mas every day in Bangkok. And then some.

Not that I mind... I kind of like Santa when he's out and about like this.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

This man hates me.

pshapiro has subbed every UCBer except me.

That's like Tom from not being your MySpace friend T__T

Friday, August 21, 2009

The End Is Near

I came across a young uke playing lad from England today whilst cruising around the tube. He looked to be about 8 years old (turned out he is 14), and was playing a cover of Bob Marley's Stir It Up. I was very impressed that such a young nipper was playing a classic Marley tune on the uke, and playing it so well. At first I thought that the future is not so bleak after all. I mean in my normal life I am surrounded by dread-lock-wearing, tattoo-covered, cheek-pierced, ear lobe-stretched, American Spirit-smoking, PBR-drinking, Johnny Cash-listening, hipster wanna-bes. And now here is this fresh young face, so full of promise and hope. It almost brought a tear of joy to my eye. Then I saw the list of "musical influences" on his YouTube homepage......Bob Marley, Julia Nunes, and.....wait for it..... Jason Mraz. That's like saying your influences are Jake Shimabakuro, Boozelele, and Keyboard Cat.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Flip Cameras?


Bying a flip for my trip to Asia - I know some of you (all?) have one of these little guys.
Any advice on which models to buy/not buy?

Here's a huge list of the things, and I'm not sure which ones are the suck.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Doctors Orders!

In a previous post, I was pondering my all too imminent death, and opined that Russ may have poisoned us while we were in S.F. My basis for this allegation was the fact that I was sleeping way more, and way deeper than usual. I literally could not keep my eyes open. This is actually very rare for me. In my normal life, I am an insomniac to the nth degree (I think Deach knows what this is like - based on the fact that he is always the first one to comment on my like 4:00 A.M EST). I am lucky to sleep six fitful hours each fact, six hours would be heaven.

Well, now that time has passed and we are more than a week removed from our excursion, my sleeping habits are returning to normal. Meaning I can't sleep for shit. So the only conclusion I could draw is that Russ didn't poison me at all. I was sleeping the sleep that only three days of uke playing with my favorite people could produce (and you know what I mean by "uke-playing"). So now I have come to the realization that the only way to achieve that kind of peaceful sleep is through another UCB function. Adelle suggested quarterly meetings. Since sleep is so important to our overall health, I think she may be on to something. Now if I can only talk my medical insurance provider into paying for the trip....

NOTE: For those of you readers who do not have full UCB membership...fear not, you too can get a peaceful night's sleep. All you have to do is get together with good friends, drink WAY too much alcohol, play a lot of music, and stay up for the better part of 96 hours. Let me know if you need a note from your doctor. And be sure to share your experience with us. -Boozelele M.D.

10 To Go!

390 subs. Just sayin'.

Monday, August 17, 2009

...the Heck?

Anybody else notice this message on the UCB YouTube channel?:

YouOriginal (1 week ago)
Spam Marked as spam

Sorry removed user for not subscribing.

I'm guessing he subscribed to the UCB channel and then got pissed that UCB didn't sub back.

new UCB nominee?

Since we're handing out UCB membership like water these days, :P can I invite this gal to join? She'll have to go thru the initiation process first, of course. If, at first, you disagree with my nomination, 1) YCASI and 2) watch the last 3 seconds of the video. I think both arguments will sway you.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

How Low We Have Sunken.

Although it came with little fanfare, a new UCB contributer was christened in San Francisco last weekend. Grumpy Coyote had been campaigning for full contributer status for some time. At first it was cute in a raggedy, prdophile kind of way. But eventually it just became embarrassing and pathetic. So a secret meeting was held and after hours of deliberation, in a close 3 to 2 vote (with one abstention*) The Grumpy One was allowed into our secret society. Of course there will be a probationary period where he will be our virtual slave and subjected to all kinds of taunting, teasing, and tea-bagging. But in time, if he sticks with it, he can become a total U.C.Bitch with all its privileges and benefits. Please join me in congratulating him.

*one member did not make the trip...we tried to get Corser to vote in his stead, but all he did was growl and piss on Grumpy's shoe. We counted that as a NO vote. It's likely that Alan would have responded the same way, hence the 3 to 2 vote count.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

D-Bags a-plenty

So I saw a walking Abercrombie & Fitch add today. A group of about 6 guys- all sporting pre-faded tshirts, flip flops, & tribal tattoos. They all had the same hair cut. They were going into Applebees* of all places- too perfect.

I started to point them out to my other half "Look, a... a... " & I didn't know what to say. What do you call a group of d-bags? A flock? A flock of douche bags. Maybe a gaggle or pack? Certainly not a pride or school... those words are far too kind to be associated with d-bags. Herd or swarm seem more fitting. "I narrowly avoided a swarm of d-bags today. They were crawling all over Crapplebees parking lot."

*I hate that fucking place. I was at the bank, across the parking lot.

Friday, August 14, 2009


With apologies to Grumpy, who has already switched over his channel...

I hate the new Youtube layouts!

But what I hate even more is the ominous warning about them on my profile page

"New Youtube Channels are coming soon"

Screw you, Youtube. Your new channel designs can suck it. They are poorly laid out & hard to navigate. ::crosses arms defiantly::

Post-Grad Studies at UCB School of Da Kine

Want sample?

bummahz, i no get it

need fo study mo'

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Push on to 400!

The UCB YT channel is almost to 400 subscribers. I'm pushing the channel on my facebook and urge you to do the same. I want to get to 400 TODAY!


Wednesday, August 12, 2009

New hater!!! Whoohoo!

I just got this comment:

kdoggfly53 has made a comment on "Bring the Song" CD challenge!:

prdophile ass old man

Yep - he called me a "prdophile"... Brilliant. They just get more and more clever.

Am I Dying or????

I don't know what Russ did to us. But it's Wednesday and for some reason I am STILL recovering from that get together in S.F. I am sleeping like 10 hours each night, I wake up feeling totally exhausted, and then take a nap during my lunch break. I swear I feel like I have narcolepsy and may involuntarily fall asleep any second (which would probably not be a good thing while I'm directing a show). Don't get me wrong I had a great time, and really really really like my UCB peeps...but for F's sake...I may be getting too old for this. Or maybe I just need to build up some tolerance.

I guess the only solution is to start planning the next UCB function. Who's with me?

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Some pics

More pics

Ok. Somebody needs to cough up some video of this RIGHT NOW!
I also know that AdelletheGreat made an appearance too. So come on, folks! Get wid it!

Friday, August 7, 2009

the calm before the storm

the whole gang has arrived. this is the last time you'll see us sober.

wish you were here Alan! excessive cussing isn't the same without you :)

Don't be an ass

Russ, yer goin' down!

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Cute Ukulele Babe Alert

And she's not of Asian decent! Happy, Booze? She's in Iceland -

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

For Those of Us Meeting on the Left Coast this Weekend...


Tuesday, August 4, 2009

For those of you who are meeting on the left coast this weekend...

I hate you.

I hate you all.

Monday, August 3, 2009

Since it's PMS Monday......

I hate the F*ers on YT who send you a friend request even though you already sub them. I already sub you, WTF, you gonna share a private video with me or something now? Lame.

nice job

Booze's post below about hater comments in his YouTube videos (Kev, I promise I won't do it again!) reminded me of other kinds of comments I don't like. And I would actually prefer hater comments compared to bland comments. Comments like "nice job" or "that was great" are pretty much worthless to me. They make me feel like they clicked on my video just to get it out of their subscriber new video box and they didn't watch my video all the way through.

When I comment, I try to refer to something in the actual video I'm commenting on to show specific appreciation for some aspect of it. Like, "LOL the way the booger flew from your nose at the coda." Then and only then is when a "great job" comment should be added.

Some haters do the same thing - comment and don't even tell you what made them conclude "yer gay" or "u suk lol". At least tell me why, and then maybe I'll suk lol a little less next time.

So, come on! Both haters and friends. Be specific. I'd appreciate it.

Anything for Attention...Apparently

I recently posted a couple videos where I was driving and playing my uke at the same time. Now just to be clear, I've been driving with my knees for years. It is very convenient when you need to do anything that requires both hands. And really, it is NOT that difficult. Playing the ukulele while driving is no different that eating while driving. And no where near as dangerous as Texting while driving. In the description of my last video Jambalaya of Death I apparently made it seem like I was going to crash head on into a school bus at any minute killing and/or maiming countless preschoolers in the process. But I want to make it perfectly clear... at no time was anyone in danger from my little escapade. I am NOT an adrenaline junkie. I do not have a death wish.

I bring this up because I received on comment on this last video that said, and I quote " Not smart dude. Just eliminated you. Good by." I don't know if any of you have lost a subscriber for careless behavior. Maybe I'm the first. And I'm not really upset that I lost a subscriber, but for f*#k sake...when Victoria Vox drives and plays it is charming and shows her dedication to the ukulele...when I do it it is a reckless stunt, risking almost certain death, done solely in some desperate need for attention. Well "Ukeedreamer", if you're out there, bite me.