Sunday, December 12, 2010

Advertising May Not be My Calling (lots-o-language in this one)

So... you've seen these Herpes commercials, right? The ones where there's a couple standing together; he's got his arm around her & they're in a park, I think... they look like they're selling LL Bean clothing but then she says something like "Being careful is important to me... because I have genital herpes." and she looks up at him with this goofy "Whooops!" kind of face... like she just said something waaay less important, like "I locked the keys in the car- huh huh! I'm a fucking idiot!" except it's herpes... which I tend to take pretty seriously. Keep a straight fucking face when you talk to me about herpes, okay? Especially when my arms around you. Bitch.

So then the guy says "And I don't" & smiles real confident like. The voice over begins "Talk to your doctor blah blah blah..." and maybe at this point they go off riding their bikes on a tree canopied trail, or they jump into a hammock all giddy like in slow motion.... I don't know, you get the idea.

But what SHOULD happen...

"Because I have genital herpes..."

"What?! You fucking skank!"; throws his arm off of her, pushes her away in complete disgust.

"Robert, I..." & she reaches for him...

"Don't fucking touch me, you whore! You herpes whore! Jesus..." and he starts pacing & rubbing his forehead... "I took you home to meet my parents! When were you planning on telling me this?!"

Or there are the solo herpes commercials... just some chick standing watering her garden or something... she looks up at the camera & begins her story... "Living with genital herpes means..."

Then some guy yells out "Whore!"

She looks back, flustered, and begins again... "Living with genital herpes..."

"Herpes whore!"

Looks over her shoulder "... means that..."


"Alright, ya know what? That is NOT funny... fuck this commercial.." hands over the camera lens...


DeG said...

I swear I always yell "whore!" at the TV when that commercial comes on. Not because, I think you have to be slutty to get an STD (it helps) but because the commericial is stupid, and, more importantly, it really irritates my wife when I do it. I also say "eww" a lot doing tampon and other femine product commercials, pretend to urgently dial the phone during "Girls Gone Wild" commercials, and saying things like "poor bastard" whenever some guy is talking about meeting his soul mate on
I think it is funny, she doesn't, which makes me think it is funnier still.
I have a very comfortable couch :-)

RussBuss said...

i like to imagine that the guy yelling "whore" is wearing a Gilligan style hat holding hedge shears and he pops out from behind a shrub when he yells "whore" and then disappears again until the next yell.

and DeG wins for best comment....again.

Adelle the Great said...

Russ you are like the sprinkles on my sundae- I love your vision & wish I had thought of it.

DeG- full win.

DeG said...

@Russ : You mean Wilson, the invisible neighbor, from Home Improvement? That's awesome! You are the sprinkles on Adelle's slippers!

Boozelele said...

DeG wins for best comment, but only because he has literary works of genius like Adelle's post to work with. Adelle wins for best blog post of 2010.

Russ, you are the red spots on my business.

RussBuss said...

@DeG: yes, Wilson! he never showed his face on camera because of mouth herpes. talk about "whore"!

Grumpy Coyote said...

I love our blog. It makes me so happy.

Seriously, I though Russ hit it out of the park with karaoke Klevin. Bo Diddley was pure gold. Then I thought Booze reached a new height with his treasonous uke disappointment. Now this gem.

I love our blog. Seriously, it just gets better and better.

Also, "whore"!

Baron said...

I always yell "whore!" at random people in the subway, whilst touching myself.

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