Warning: Your junk is exposed!

Do we rag on Youtube enough?  You know, Youtube, that thing we all compulsively use but at the same time can't stand?  Well anyway, there is a new flaw in their system that will allow some people to see your private and unlisted videos when you upload them.  I discovered this recently when I tried to discreetly share a video of me doing a patriotic tap-dance to a medley of Miley Cyrus and Dido songs with my friend Adelle.  I had marked the video "unlisted" so that she could share the video with other members of her clan.  However, within minutes of the upload, I started getting random comments on my video.  Eddie Vedder commented that he'd seen better (and sexier) patriotic dances, Jake Shimmy wrote that my video made him feel uncomfortable but that he watched to the finish anyway, and finally that little Japanese boy who plays I'm Yours on ukulele commented to me a simple "Meh..."

I found out from a fellow Youtuber that people are able to go one step further when subscribing to your channel and they can opt-in to receive email notifications when you upload videos.  This notification includes videos that you mark as Private or Unlisted.  Not cool Youtube, not cool....

Until they get this fixed, you would be wise so save your sexy underwear dance videos for another time.  That or share them the old school way, via Friendster.  Does anybody use that anymore?

Portlandia

So, rather than write up a review of Portland and Boozefest 2 I thought I'd just post this image of Russelle and Boozelle preparing for the trip.

It's not because I can't remember anything that happened. Really.

I do recall something like this... Vividly.

Screw you Glee.

Ok...

So I found this awesome bass in a guitar shop. I've been monkeying around with bass on a few UCB vids over the last year or so. I don't know how to play it, but I like it... So when I found this Epiphone Viola Bass for several hundred off retail, I couldn't resist. I figured I'd pack it along to our upcoming Portland UCB shindig and try it on a few numbers. then, I'd try a few bar gigs around here... everyone lets a bass player sit in. I'd get to play more often and not have to take center stage.

I got it home, learned a few blues grooves, and felt pretty snazzy about the purchase. Aside from Sir Paul, i've never really seen many folks with that shape and the floating bridge... I got to feeling I made a pretty classy purchase. I always thought they were pretty damn cool. It seemed nearly unique, special even.

And then it happened. I got a Facebook PM from some "friend" I don't actually know...

"KOOL new GLEE bass! I sooooo want one just like it ever since I saw it on Glee. You'll have to get the red bass cabinet amp thing too!"

Yeah.

You folks know me. Is there anything I have ever posted that suggests I enjoy, watch, am aware of, let alone strive to emulate Glee? That show, the few times I've seen it, registered in my brain as a toothache with auto-tune. I can assure you, I was not trying to pay homage to what I consider a song murdering pap-fest on (shiver) commercial network television. (Note: If you are not familiar with the television show Glee, I salute you - and warn you that Russ and/or Aldrine will be along shortly to fill you in on all the musical high-school hijinx...)

I thought I made myself clear over the years. I am a snob. A hateful, petty, pretentious snob. If you like it, I probably think it sucks. Hell, if you like it, and others like it, I probably think *you* suck.

So now, every time I play that thing... someone will mention Glee. Every time. Screw you Glee.

Yes but which spice are you?

Yesterday, I had an hour long round table discussion with the guys regarding this tough issue.  If we were to live the Spice Girls movie (and who wouldn't want to?), which spice would you be?  I'm thinking Alan would be Scary Spice,  Adelle would be Punch You in the Balls Spice, the Baron would be Delicate Spice, Booze would be Old Spice, Deach would be He Who Controls the Spice, Grumpy would be Dungeons N' Spice, Little6ster would be Smurfette Spice and I would most likely be Five Spice.  If I got any of that wrong, please correct me in the comments below.

Would this movie work?  Who could play the tour bus driver's part better than Meat Loaf?  Have we really run out of things to blog about?  Where is the infinite wisdom of Tony Robbins when you need him the most?

On flying the friendly skies.

I'm a little hesitant to post a rant so soon after Booze's message about Japan.  I've been to Sendai several years ago on a visit to Japan and this whole situation has me still feeling a little shellshocked.  It's incredibly heartbreaking to hear about the number of people still missing from the resulting tsunami.  I hope their families can eventually find some closure in this matter whether they be found alive or not.  Can we all observe a moment of silence before I continue with this post?

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Okay so I've just returned from a visit to France, or as Rel-Bar put it, the "Old World".  That just sounds so cool doesn't it?  Like I just visited some place right out of a Dungeons & Dragons game set.  And no, I'm not going to clown on Dungeons & Dragons.  GrumpyCoyote is "cool" no matter what geeky shit he's into, and that's final!

Anyway, this post is about the TSA, or Transportation Security Administration for those of you who aren't lucky enough to live in the United States to experience their special brand of "customer service".  I've flown many times after 9/11 and am quite used to the heavy flight restrictions we are to endure because of terrorist threats.  The TSA was created by the Department of Homeland Security to ensure our safety in a government regulated fashion.  I wouldn't call it a necessary evil because I get it, we're living in shitty, scary times.  People try weird stuff like lighting their shoes or underwear on fire, it's messed up, and definitely not cool.  We absolutely need this agency.  What we don't need, is their crappy attitude. 

Everytime I pass through a security checkpoint in an American airport, I make it a point to smile and say hello to the TSA person that reviews your boarding pass and personal identification.  They usually return the friendliness with a stern look of disapproval and bark at you if you're walking too fast or too slow, or if you headed down the wrong lane.  Sorry, it was confusing because they arranged the retractable nylon barriers in some kind of strange labyrinth that is designed to lead you to certain death (or a full body cavity search).  And we're stuck complying with their rude ushering and demands because nobody wants to rock the boat and appear terrorist-like right?  We are just happy sheep doing our best to follow directions in order to make it to the other side of security so that we can enjoy a $15 sandwich and a Dean Koontz novel from the terminal bookstore.

Okay in their defense, they deal with thousands of anxious and annoyed travelers on a daily basis.  It's enough to wear anybody out.  That's when you start to look for new job.  Judging by the ads i see on daytime TV, you can become a vet tech, car mechanic, medical billing specialist, or personal masseuse in less than 2 years and you don't even need your GED.  A pretty sweet deal for these disgruntled TSA jagoffs.

Oh and another thing, you know that Backscatter X-ray (aka Whole Body Imager, aka tit/nutsack/brain scanner) machine they spent millions of dollars on?  Well it appears that it doesn't save anybody any time or effort.  After they took an "adult" photograph of my genitals and then reviewed it carefully on a monitor like I was a grade school science project, I was then to suffer through a pat-down, and then a machine was used to sample the palms of my hands for traces of who knows what; gunpowder, toxic waste, nacho cheese residue, etc.  So in the end, instead of me just walking through a good ol' fashioned metal detector, this machine required 3 separate TSA personnel, a gigawatt of electricity, and everybody's precious time while they sorted things out.  I may be wrong, but I thought a fancy expensive machine like this was supposed to simplify the process.  Hmmm, maybe it's just a government conspiracy to catalog all nutsacks and funbags in some sort of kinky searchable database.  That makes perfect sense now that I think of it.

Also, did I forget to mention I approached the security checkpoint dressed as the artist formerly known as Cat Stevens and holding a lit molotov cocktail in one hand and an AK-47 in the other?  Maybe that didn't help. Hmmmm...

Gomen Nasai

When I wrote my last post I had no idea that my mention of "Tokyo", and " tsunamis" would be so timely. Although the tsunami created by the earthquake off the coast of Northern Japan did cause some damage to the Oregon and California coastlines, and of course to the islands of Hawaii, it is nothing like the devastation which happened and continues to happen in Japan. All of us at UCB send our thoughts and best wishes to our friends in the land of the rising sun.

Some Questions Finally Answered

It must be because I am an educated man that I often get asked to settle bets. 'Lets ask Kevin, he will know". I'm a wealth of useless trivia. For example did you know that tsunamis travel at the speed of a jumbo jet? Or that the animal that kills the most humans every year is the mosquito? Or that Tokyo is largest city in the world? Or that KLM now flies five times a week to Rwanda?

And here's something else; did you know Lady Gaga is actually a dude? Now you do.

Everyone knows that the Beatles were the greatest rock band ever. It's a given. No question there. But did you know that Led Zeppelin is second and The Who is third? I bet you didn't. But its true. Oh, and worst band of all time? Journey, followed by Foreigner.

Another question I often get asked "What is the best Patrick Swayze movie ever?". This is a tricky one, but if you said Roadhouse or Point Break you would be wrong, its actually Red Dawn. Little known fact.

And speaking of movies... the best movies ever? Duh, The Big Lebowski, Mulholland Drive, and Super Troopers. Everyone should already know this.

Best television shows of all time? Easy - Seinfeld, The Andy Griffith Show, and Star Trek.

Best ethnic food? Mexican, Thai, Italian. Best fast food? Wendy's.

First man on the moon? Neil Armstrong. Winner of 8 Tour De France's? Lance Armstrong. Great Trumpeter? Louis Armstrong. Best child's toy? Stretch Armstrong.

Current biggest a-hole in the world? Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker.

Any other questions you have, just let me know. I'm here to help.

Charlie Sheen can handle it....

So we all appreciate an adult beverage every now and then right?  Then there are those who can enjoy a little "puff puff" while listening to their old records, be they classic Skynyrd or the Osmond Family Anthology. Nothing wrong with that.

Can we all agree that crystal meth is just not a good idea? I mean it is possible to use even the most harshest of substances in moderation but some drugs are just not a good idea. I just saw a National Geographic document on crystal meth and it was about as freaky as one of those Scared Straight programs they used to show at school (with a little less rape threats and prison bitch bartering).

And then there's coked out Charlie Sheen. He's kind of the poster boy for functioning drug addicts in that he's been a hot mess in his private life but has been able to work for a long long time (i know, i know, until "now"). Perhaps it helps that he has plenty of money to support such a habit. A mansion is a pretty swell place to enjoy hookers, blow, and whatever ball-stepping, golden shower, IKEA furniture demolition fetishes he may be into. Good for him, I guess? I can think of worse ways to burn your money, model trains come to mind.

(Oh yeah, and yes, I agree that the crew of Two and a Half Men are getting a raw deal while Charlie Sheen gets his shit together but that's not the point of this post.)

So what about the recent fascination with energy drinks? I remember when Red Bull was one of the only energy drinks around. Sure, it tastes like sweetened pee (don't ask) but it helps you stay awake to study for that calculus exam or drive your Hyundai to Tijuana. I was never a big fan of Red Bull or it's lame douchebaggy cousin "Red Bull and Vodka", but I can see how it can be useful to some people who need it. But now, there are so many brands of energy drinks on the shelf including the infamous Four Loko, which I have never tried, although I can only imagine it being similar to smoking crack on the 72nd hour of your bender. With names like Rockstar, Monster, RELOAD (yes, all caps), Bawls, Shark Stimulation, Crunk, there is no shortage of not-so-cleverly named liquid crack beverages available in your local 7-11. One of my favorites that I've seen is MAD DOG Energy Lemonade. That gives me an image of little kids selling lemonade on their front lawn decked out in Ed Hardy t-shirts and kiddy 'roid rage.

Well at least we have the classy original, Red Bull. No need for monster trucks and pyrotechnics to sell that right? Until now...

"Drink Red Bull. You too can be an insane murderous tranny Zebra, Yee Haw!!!"

Project For Corn

So Boozelele mentioned something about a project I was working on in the last post. However, I'm not exactly sure how he found out about it since the details have been tucked away in my diary this whole time. Well anyway, it's called the "Project For Corn" and I will be focusing on a few items of self improvement for this year. Call it a belated New Year's Resolution if you will.

1. Writing, producing, directing and starring in a musical drama based on the early life of Kelly Clarkson as told through her older brother Jason.  (or maybe through her sister Alyssa, it's still undecided.  but either way, KC will shine!)
   
   
2. Inventing the mid-C string that will end the debate over "low G" versus "high G" on ukuleles. This mid-C string will also be known as the "STFU string" and will be sold in two different colors, clear and off-clear.
   
   
3. Becoming the guy at ukulele festivals that wears socks with flip flops. And not ninja socks with the split toe, but regular white tube socks, preferably with blue stripes to accentuate the calves.
   
   
4. Improving my fingerpicking technique via aromatherapy.
   
   
5. Developing a cure for gravity.
   
   

Wish me luck people!

Bitches Got Talent

We have quite a creative bunch here. Every time you turn around one of our members is off on some new venture. I just wanted to pass on some info on what a few of us are up to. Some in our group are too shy, or too hesitant, or too modest to self promote (others well, not so much).

For anyone who doesn't know, Adelle has a NEW BLOG introducing readers to a new band or musician every day for the entire year - 365 artists in 365 days. This is a mamouth undertaking. Not only is she showcasing some great music, but it is filled with Adelle's charm and wit. Read it, follow it, live it.

Grumpy Coyote Tunes (or "Saucepan" as we fondly refer to him) has the BRING THE SONG project going. Check out this great resource and share in the song writing experience.

Little6ster has a new band called WAX, and if you haven't checked it out. You are missing out. This is some good shit. They recorded a new EP a couple months ago, and just had their first concert in Angers, France. Check her youtube page, myspace page, facebook page, etc. Pass her on, this deserves to be heard.



And lets not forget Baron, Russ, and Alan, they all continue to post great vids on youtube. I also know Russ is getting busy with a special new project of his own (I'll let him speak to that). And don't forget that Deach, Russ and others (DeG) were nominated for Undie awards...and while I personally think popularity contests under the guise of art/music awards are complete and utter bull-shit, I hope you guys win.

Please support all of these bitches in their new and oh-so-cool musical endeavours and contact each of them individually for additional info. And if I left out something cool someone is doing, or forgot anyone...it's not intentional, it's only that I'm an idiot... and anyway, that's what the comments are for...so bite me.

National Day of WTF?

I was sitting at my pseudo-desk at work today, slaving away (which essentially means staring blankly at my computer screen, pretending to be busy) when I came upon an article mentioning "Global Ukulele Day" on March 11th. Why had I never heard of that? Shouldn't this be a big deal in ukulele-land. You would think every uke player in the world would celebrate it as religiously as us Oregonians celebrate International Talk Like a Pirate Day (Sept. 19th) and National Weed Day (April 20th - (of course)). Well after doing a little digging on the whole ukulele-day-thing it became apparent why it was not well known. There is already a National Play Your Ukulele Day on May 2nd, and some UU guys attempt to start a World Ukulele Day on Feb 2nd.

I am not big on holidays, especially silly holidays, but can't the ukulele community get together and pick one day that we can all agree on? Or change the focus or these other uke holidays...one could be Tune Your Ukulele Day, or Buy a New Uke Day, or Make Fun of Ukulele Players Day, or Eat Spam And Play White Sandy Beaches Day, or....I'm sure you can think of better ones...

...Anyway the place I work only recognizes 9 holiday days a year. Luckily Feb. 20th brings Clam Chowder Day then on March 21st is National Wiener Day (not to be confused with National Penis Day which comes a week earlier March 15th). ....So I'm looking forward to a couple three-day weekends. Sweet.

Stop Wasting Time

I know that we are all busy people what with all the blogs to post, forums to moderate, songs to write, dogs to wash, videos to make, porn to watch, and drinks to drink (did I leave anyone out?). It's getting to the point where there just isn't enough time in the day to accomplish all of these important tasks and still have time for non-essential things like jobs, and families, and showers.- So in order to improve efficiency, Ive been working on a system that will help reduce the time we waste watching and commenting on ukulele youtube videos. Also this system will help us with the age old question "what the hell do I put in this comment???" From now on, just type in the number that corresponds to the appropriate comment that you would like to leave. (or you can copy and paste from this blog...you should be able to do this and move on within 10 seconds of the video starting)....

1. Hey friend, great song! You are an excellent song writer/uke player. I love your originals and/or covers.
2. Keep 'em coming, haven't seen you in a while! Where have you been? I love your videos, you're always so creative.
3. The uke sounds great! You sure can play that thing. I love the solo and/or strumming pattern.
4. 5**** and Faved!
5. Great job! I listened to this song all the way through, and loved every second of it. Especially that cool thing you did at the end.
6. Get the audio file from this video at tubepull doht cohm.
7. Tabs plz.
8. Go kill yourself!

This is a work in process, if you have additional ideas, please share them.

Pants on Fire

I've never claimed to be a smart man. I may act holier-than-thou sometimes. But I'm no genius. I doubt I'll be asked to join MENSA any time soon. (or is it NAMBLA?...it doesn't matter, I'm probably not smart enough to get into either). I don't think I'm stupid per se, I think I am just ignorant. There are a lot of things I just don't know. Here is a perfect example. Apparently there is something called "lying through omission". This is where you keep a secret from someone. It doesn't really even have to be a secret, its just leaving a detail of your life out. I don't know if this applies to every relationship you have..I mean I don't think you have to tell every person you meet everything about yourself. Like say you meet someone at a Christmas party, you wouldn't say..."Hi Jim my name's Bob, I like monster trucks, oyster shooters and D.I.Y." "Nice to meet you Bob, I like corduroy, beagles and golden showers." But I think at some point in your more serious relationships, you are supposed to stop leaving stuff out. I know this applies to romantic relationships and probably familial relationships too.

I have two lives....and I'm pretty sure a couple of you do as well. I have my uke/youtube life, and my family/work life. I'm pretty open about playing the uke, although I find myself choking sometimes when I say the word 'ukulele'. "Kevin do you play any musical instruments?" "yeah....I play the uku...cough cough"..... "the what?..."the ukulele"....silence...."oh, like Tiny Tim"...."yeah, fuck you..." But my you-tube videos stay secret to most of the people in my daily life.

My sister recently came across my you-tube channel. She wasn't pissed off but she said "you don't have to hide things from me". I'm not hiding anything, its not like I'm a serial killer, or a super hero, I don't have sex with animals, and I've never been to Thailand. But we all have some secrets...I mean, right?

We'll since we are all good friends here...It's time we stop lying through omission...so I'll go first...

I like the movie An Officer and a Gentleman. I like the Jackson Five. I play online poker, read books about sailing, eat toaster waffles, and sometimes watch Nascar. I listen to talk-radio in the car (liberal), I'm not a fan of big-boobs, or strip clubs, I like to look at maps, and I like Brazilian jazz......oh, and I like beagles.

Your turn

Oh Yahoo homepage.

I saw this photo on the Yahoo homepage today and had a thought.  Actually a few thoughts.

1. You ever wonder who came up with the idea to measure rain by the inch?
2. I think it's about time for my annual prostate exam.
3. When you testify in a court of law, is it improper to stomp your feet and yell "AMEN"?
4. I wonder if James Brown was as exuberant in his daily life as he was onstage.
5. Are dog yawns contagious to humans?
6. Sam Kinison sure was great, huh?

The many wonders of the music world

According to Wikipedia (which is also a good place to visit if you ever want to read a scene by scene breakdown of Hollywood blockbuster Ghostbusters), the NAMM Show is one of the largest music product trade shows in the world.  With over 1300 exhibitors and 80,000+ attendees, this ginormous industry show is only rivaled  by MusikMesse in Germany (which I'm assuming has better beer, thus making it superior).

At the NAMM Show, people come from all over the country and world to view and test new products, make business deals with manufacturers and retailers, demo new recording and live performance gear, compare tramp stamps, and many other music related activities.  This year, I was fortunate enough to be able to attend the show with a guest pass that I scored from Ohana Ukes through Ken Middleton (謝謝 Ken!).  The show was amazingly overwhelming with way too many shiny things to look at and touch (and i'm not talking about the glistening hot dogs on the heat rollers in the food concessions area although they were quite impressive. oh, and nacho cheese.). 

After being subjected to the sights and sounds of tens of thousands of people strumming guitars, banging on drums, ch-ch-checking microphones, I believe I have a better appreciation for the music industry and all of those involved.  I have that and this photo: