National Day of WTF?

I was sitting at my pseudo-desk at work today, slaving away (which essentially means staring blankly at my computer screen, pretending to be busy) when I came upon an article mentioning "Global Ukulele Day" on March 11th. Why had I never heard of that? Shouldn't this be a big deal in ukulele-land. You would think every uke player in the world would celebrate it as religiously as us Oregonians celebrate International Talk Like a Pirate Day (Sept. 19th) and National Weed Day (April 20th - (of course)). Well after doing a little digging on the whole ukulele-day-thing it became apparent why it was not well known. There is already a National Play Your Ukulele Day on May 2nd, and some UU guys attempt to start a World Ukulele Day on Feb 2nd.

I am not big on holidays, especially silly holidays, but can't the ukulele community get together and pick one day that we can all agree on? Or change the focus or these other uke holidays...one could be Tune Your Ukulele Day, or Buy a New Uke Day, or Make Fun of Ukulele Players Day, or Eat Spam And Play White Sandy Beaches Day, or....I'm sure you can think of better ones...

...Anyway the place I work only recognizes 9 holiday days a year. Luckily Feb. 20th brings Clam Chowder Day then on March 21st is National Wiener Day (not to be confused with National Penis Day which comes a week earlier March 15th). ....So I'm looking forward to a couple three-day weekends. Sweet.

Stop Wasting Time

I know that we are all busy people what with all the blogs to post, forums to moderate, songs to write, dogs to wash, videos to make, porn to watch, and drinks to drink (did I leave anyone out?). It's getting to the point where there just isn't enough time in the day to accomplish all of these important tasks and still have time for non-essential things like jobs, and families, and showers.- So in order to improve efficiency, Ive been working on a system that will help reduce the time we waste watching and commenting on ukulele youtube videos. Also this system will help us with the age old question "what the hell do I put in this comment???" From now on, just type in the number that corresponds to the appropriate comment that you would like to leave. (or you can copy and paste from this blog...you should be able to do this and move on within 10 seconds of the video starting)....

1. Hey friend, great song! You are an excellent song writer/uke player. I love your originals and/or covers.
2. Keep 'em coming, haven't seen you in a while! Where have you been? I love your videos, you're always so creative.
3. The uke sounds great! You sure can play that thing. I love the solo and/or strumming pattern.
4. 5**** and Faved!
5. Great job! I listened to this song all the way through, and loved every second of it. Especially that cool thing you did at the end.
6. Get the audio file from this video at tubepull doht cohm.
7. Tabs plz.
8. Go kill yourself!

This is a work in process, if you have additional ideas, please share them.

Pants on Fire

I've never claimed to be a smart man. I may act holier-than-thou sometimes. But I'm no genius. I doubt I'll be asked to join MENSA any time soon. (or is it NAMBLA?...it doesn't matter, I'm probably not smart enough to get into either). I don't think I'm stupid per se, I think I am just ignorant. There are a lot of things I just don't know. Here is a perfect example. Apparently there is something called "lying through omission". This is where you keep a secret from someone. It doesn't really even have to be a secret, its just leaving a detail of your life out. I don't know if this applies to every relationship you have..I mean I don't think you have to tell every person you meet everything about yourself. Like say you meet someone at a Christmas party, you wouldn't say..."Hi Jim my name's Bob, I like monster trucks, oyster shooters and D.I.Y." "Nice to meet you Bob, I like corduroy, beagles and golden showers." But I think at some point in your more serious relationships, you are supposed to stop leaving stuff out. I know this applies to romantic relationships and probably familial relationships too.

I have two lives....and I'm pretty sure a couple of you do as well. I have my uke/youtube life, and my family/work life. I'm pretty open about playing the uke, although I find myself choking sometimes when I say the word 'ukulele'. "Kevin do you play any musical instruments?" "yeah....I play the uku...cough cough"..... "the what?..."the ukulele"....silence...."oh, like Tiny Tim"...."yeah, fuck you..." But my you-tube videos stay secret to most of the people in my daily life.

My sister recently came across my you-tube channel. She wasn't pissed off but she said "you don't have to hide things from me". I'm not hiding anything, its not like I'm a serial killer, or a super hero, I don't have sex with animals, and I've never been to Thailand. But we all have some secrets...I mean, right?

We'll since we are all good friends here...It's time we stop lying through omission...so I'll go first...

I like the movie An Officer and a Gentleman. I like the Jackson Five. I play online poker, read books about sailing, eat toaster waffles, and sometimes watch Nascar. I listen to talk-radio in the car (liberal), I'm not a fan of big-boobs, or strip clubs, I like to look at maps, and I like Brazilian jazz......oh, and I like beagles.

Your turn

Oh Yahoo homepage.

I saw this photo on the Yahoo homepage today and had a thought.  Actually a few thoughts.

1. You ever wonder who came up with the idea to measure rain by the inch?
2. I think it's about time for my annual prostate exam.
3. When you testify in a court of law, is it improper to stomp your feet and yell "AMEN"?
4. I wonder if James Brown was as exuberant in his daily life as he was onstage.
5. Are dog yawns contagious to humans?
6. Sam Kinison sure was great, huh?

The many wonders of the music world

According to Wikipedia (which is also a good place to visit if you ever want to read a scene by scene breakdown of Hollywood blockbuster Ghostbusters), the NAMM Show is one of the largest music product trade shows in the world.  With over 1300 exhibitors and 80,000+ attendees, this ginormous industry show is only rivaled  by MusikMesse in Germany (which I'm assuming has better beer, thus making it superior).

At the NAMM Show, people come from all over the country and world to view and test new products, make business deals with manufacturers and retailers, demo new recording and live performance gear, compare tramp stamps, and many other music related activities.  This year, I was fortunate enough to be able to attend the show with a guest pass that I scored from Ohana Ukes through Ken Middleton (謝謝 Ken!).  The show was amazingly overwhelming with way too many shiny things to look at and touch (and i'm not talking about the glistening hot dogs on the heat rollers in the food concessions area although they were quite impressive. oh, and nacho cheese.). 

After being subjected to the sights and sounds of tens of thousands of people strumming guitars, banging on drums, ch-ch-checking microphones, I believe I have a better appreciation for the music industry and all of those involved.  I have that and this photo:

That Guy...

Ok,

I appreciate folks who comment on my videos - I really do. I'm still astonished that anyone watches my stuff at all. There is, however, a class of commenter that manages to get under my skin to the point of making me want to stomp bunnies.

It's not the classic hater. "You suck", "Learn to sing", and "Die in a fire", all entertain me more than the one word platitudes like "Great" or "Awesome" that we've all been guilty of. Inspiring emotion is fine with me - even if it's negative. No, I only judge the haters on the creative effort they put into the insult... the more creative, the more I appreciate it.

The "tabs plz" guys do piss me off a bit, as do the loyalist "that's not how you play that" fanfolk of whatever band I'm covering (the concept of 'interpretation' is lost on these clowns). But even they pale in comparison to my nemesis. The guy I like to think of as "You Could Do Better Guy". These guys post things like "Nice try, but I think your vocal was a little pitchy", or "You know, verse/chorus/verse really should be adhered to when possible", or "as a songwriter for many years, I think you should try to relate more to your audience", and my favorite "That would be an ok song - you might want to try it in F#, that will give it more depth." Yeah. Those are real. All different folks too.

On the surface, they seem to be fine creative criticism. Let me stress - I am NOT against creative and constructive criticism in any way. One of the reasons I post videos is so I can get feedback. I actually dislike the Youtube communities' general lack of real critique. But these guys are special. What pisses me off the most is that these almost seem interesting - but then once you read them you realize they are simply meaningless condescension. Patronizing bull-shit dressed up as music critique.

First off - these nozzles never have a single video posted. Ever. They also tend to favorite the worst kinds of pop drivel of various genres. Secondly, they follow a formulas - I think they have a handbook:

1) Misplaced or inappropriately applied jargon
Calling out my vocals is fair - but the word "pitchy" is a dead giveaway. You are an American Idol watcher, not a critic. Watching Randy Jackson does not make you better at judging.
Things like the "F#" comment above are classic too - Major key is major key Retardo Montalbon, popping off things like "F# gives it depth" only identifies you as a toolbag.

2) Make sure you talk about your credibility
This one kills me. "As a songwriter for years..." or "I'm a professional musician and..." First, they never have anything posted, so they are clearly full of crap. Secondly, this is the internet. Your claimed credentials only go as far as you are actually able to back them up with intelligent and credible discourse on the subject at hand. You claiming something, and then writing words that clearly indicate the opposite actually *hurts* your credibility in our little digital world here. Worry less about making claims and worry more about actually knowing what the fuck you are talking about.

3) When in doubt, condescend
The goal of these guys seems to be to make themselves seem superior. They almost always come in the form of giving some kind of advice, and/or encouraging you to "try harder".
I have news for these knuckleheads - I don't do this for you. I do it for me. Unless you actually care, and preferably have something to offer of real value - don't give me advice. It makes you look even sadder than I suspect you are. You can't possibly get respect on my channel this way. My friends and my ego will eat you and then poop you right back out... or worse; ignore you. We are connoisseurs of condescension.

Again, don't take this the wrong way - I *want* criticism. But I do wish these guys would just stop. To critique, you must first be familiar with the subject at hand. To offer advice, it's customary to actually have some to give. If you don't know what you are talking about, try "I don't like this" or even "you suck". Those are honest and clear and, while not particularly helpful, at least not bullshit.

Ok, enough of my little public service announcement. Hopefully this will help you identify these little balls of suck and file them in the appropriate "go away" bucket rather than wasting any time thinking about them. Back to your regularly scheduled bitches.

You + Me= Besties Forevah!

Funny how being close friends has put us all on the same cycle. All of us MIA for the last few weeks here.... I for one, have been quite wrapped up with my new blog, which has turned into way more of a project than I'd anticipated. But am I posting just to mention that? No! What I really wanted to talk about was this...

If anyone wanted to break into my private life & stalk me on the internet, all they'd really have to do is make their icon a picture of a ukulele. I know this isn't just me. You get those random Facebook requests- and while the name isn't familiar, the ukulele is there & "accept"!! If there's a mutual friend or two, well heck- double accept.

I've met a lot of fantastic people through the uke scene- people that have changed my life (even in some cases for the better) but I'm sorry... when did playing the ukulele automatically make everyone else who plays the ukulele my friend? Just because we play the same instrument doesn't necessarily mean we have anything else in common, and it certainly doesn't make me social or enjoy "chatting". When the community started up a few years back it was cool... when there were like 10 of us & finding someone else who played the uke was still a novelty. But now...?

Don't get me wrong- I do enjoy the family vibe that there is in the internetz world of ukulele players... it's just getting so big now that it's at risk of losing the intimacy. It's gone from a small family dinner around the table, to "well your second cousins are flying in too" "oh yeah- that's cool. I even know all their names", to a giant family reunion out in a park where everyone has to wear name tags & random people walk up to you & talk to you for like 15 minutes before they realize you're not who they thought you were & now you have to send all these people Christmas cards every freaking year.

Having a ukulele in your possession does not rule out you being a crazed maniac. It doesn't make me wanna read status updates about your cat. One piece of common ground can be the spark that begins a friendship... or things can just get awkward. Everyone's been thrown into that kind of situation before- friend of a friend or something- "Hey, you guys both like soup! Talk about soup!" & then they abandon you with a stranger. "Sooooo... I understand you like soup." "Yep." "Me too." ::crickets:: "Weeeelll... guess I should probably go stick my head in the microwave now..."

I'm not really sure what my point is anymore- if I even had one at the start. Ummm... crack is whack & school is cool? Don't jaywalk...? Oh! I remember now! My point is- a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, but a ukulele will gain you access to my facebook page, as well as into Barons pants.

Your January Post

I thought we'd better post something - AT LEAST ONE POST - in January. So let's start the "new" year on an upbeat note. There's very little that sounds better than an orchestra of ukes:

Advice for the new year.

This dusty old year will be over very soon and while we wait to usher in the new year, here's a little friendly advice.  Have you ever asked yourself (or others via the internet) any of the following questions?

• Should I play a soprano, concert or tenor ukulele?
• What key should I play this song in?
• Is it okay to use a strap with my ukulele?
• What color uke should i buy?
• Can I use a pick or is forbidden?
• Why is Aldrine so damn handsome?
• Low G or high G?
  
• What is the correct pronunciation of "ukulele"?
  

Well, it's quite simple.  Please take a moment to watch this video from my Oakland contemporaries Digital Underground, and you'll soon know the key to good living and the answer to all of life's many many questions.

When you're done grabbing them in the biscuits, have yourself a happy new year!  *loud drunken applause*

Christmas Music For the Whole Family

It's easy this time of year to get caught up in all the commotion and forget about the true meaning of Christmas. Christmas is really all about over-indulgence; eating too much, getting lots-o-shit, and drinking till you pass out with the ones you love (or, as in my case, family). And nothing gets me in the Christmas spirit like music. So here are some of my favorite Christmas tunes. I hope you find the true spirit of the season within these timeless classics...as I have.

Jon Lajoie has some great music including and early version of the Beatles classic Blackbird (thank Adelle for that one). But his holiday song Cold Blooded Christmas is on par with Frosty the Snowman and Jingle Bells and is fast becoming the best Christmas song ever recorded.



Red Peters has a great tune called You Aint Getting Sh*t For Christmas, to compliment his other classics such as Blow Me, and You Promised the Moon (But I prefer Uranus)

If you're looking for a contemporary twist on an old standard there's the John C. Reilly and Will Farrell remake of David Bowie and Bing Crosby's Little Drummer Boy. And for a last minute gift idea check out Dick In a Box by Andy Samberg and Justin Timberlake

Weird Al is really hit and miss. Of course he has classics like Eat it and Amish Paradise, but for this time of year nothing beats Christmas as Ground Zero.

And finally Trey Parker and Matt Stone of course have some terrific holiday classics: Eric Cartman Sings Oh Holy Night is a great one..but my favorite from the boys is Mr Hanky The Christmas Poo. And for after the holidays, check out Kyle's Mom's a Bitch.



I hope these beautiful songs help put you in the Christmas spirit. Cheers, and Happy Holidays.

'Tis the Season

Well it's the end of another year here at UCB headquarters.  Most of the staff here have completed their year end reports (*ahem* Klevin) and they've been printed, bound and sent off to stakeholders far and wide.  It's time for celebrations all around. So whether you're celebrating the birth of baby Jesus, commemorating the rededication of the Holy Temple in Jerusalem, or studying the Nguzu Saba, make sure you take time to stop and remember what the holidays are really all about: buying shit!

This is a good year for the gift of new music.  With such a musical goldmine to choose from like flashy tit-pop acts (Katy Perry), lesbianic second comings of Leif Garrett (Justin Bieber), shitty overproduced covers of songs you wish would just go away (Glee soundtrack), "country" artists (Taylor Swift), hey lookit me salmonella (Lady Gaga), and just plain dog crap (Black Eyed Peas), there is literally something for everybody.  So hit your record stores or wherever the hell kids buy music at these days and pump some money back into the music business so we can continue to enjoy the fruits of their collective labors.

Advertising May Not be My Calling (lots-o-language in this one)

So... you've seen these Herpes commercials, right? The ones where there's a couple standing together; he's got his arm around her & they're in a park, I think... they look like they're selling LL Bean clothing but then she says something like "Being careful is important to me... because I have genital herpes." and she looks up at him with this goofy "Whooops!" kind of face... like she just said something waaay less important, like "I locked the keys in the car- huh huh! I'm a fucking idiot!" except it's herpes... which I tend to take pretty seriously. Keep a straight fucking face when you talk to me about herpes, okay? Especially when my arms around you. Bitch.

So then the guy says "And I don't" & smiles real confident like. The voice over begins "Talk to your doctor blah blah blah..." and maybe at this point they go off riding their bikes on a tree canopied trail, or they jump into a hammock all giddy like in slow motion.... I don't know, you get the idea.

But what SHOULD happen...

"Because I have genital herpes..."

"What?! You fucking skank!"; throws his arm off of her, pushes her away in complete disgust.

"Robert, I..." & she reaches for him...

"Don't fucking touch me, you whore! You herpes whore! Jesus..." and he starts pacing & rubbing his forehead... "I took you home to meet my parents! When were you planning on telling me this?!"

Or there are the solo herpes commercials... just some chick standing watering her garden or something... she looks up at the camera & begins her story... "Living with genital herpes means..."

Then some guy yells out "Whore!"

She looks back, flustered, and begins again... "Living with genital herpes..."

"Herpes whore!"

Looks over her shoulder "... means that..."

"Slut!"

"Alright, ya know what? That is NOT funny... fuck this commercial.." hands over the camera lens...

Uke Buyer's Remorse?

I'm not sure about my new Ukulele. I ordered it back in November 2008, and was really excited when I finally got it in late January 2009. I'm hoping to get others opinions. (I don't normally name my ukes...but I call this one Barry)


It all started back in 2007. I was really sick of the uke I had, It sucked right from the start. And for seven years I had put up with it's lack of intonation, crappy construction, and piss-poor sound. (I originally named that one "George", but more often referred to it as "Dumb-ass" or "Tard-wad") I hated it. I hated everything about it. I had originally ordered one from Tennessee, but received "George" instead. Even though it was built in Texas I gave it a chance....I had a feeling it would suck-ass, and I was right. George was probably the worst presi...uh...ukulele ever built.

Finally in 2008 It was time to get a new one. The choice came down to one that had good pedigree; it was a name-brand uke, wide-bodied, strong and just a little "feminine". It was forceful, and experienced, and I liked it a lot. But just when I was going to pick that one, a new one was revealed, and I got really excited about it. Built in Hawaii, finished in Chicago it was tall and slender. It had darker wood than any uke I've had before it, some would say "black in color". It had a smooth sweet sound, that impressed everyone. If it had one construction flaw it was that it's tuners stuck out a little bit, but so what. It gave me hope. And I thought "yes I can" play the ukulele. I chose the new, darker one over the feminine one. (As a final option I was offered and old decrepit, crotchety, bitter veteran uke from Arizona, but it reminded me a lot of "Tard-wad" so yeah....fuck that) Anyway, the choice was easy. I went with Barry.

I was proud of my new black uke..and I had no complaints...at first. Now it seems that it doesn't really have the "punch" that I had hoped. It's a little wimpy. No balls. Some times you need it to have a bad-ass uke, not just a smooth sounding one. I'm not really sure what to do about it. I guess I'll hang with it for now...hoping it gets better. But I am starting to wish I chose the feminine one.

What do you guys think?

Ukulele Fashion Sense

We are all aware of how popular the ukulele has become recently. It seems that everyone plays them now (or wants to). But don't worry guys, it's just a fad. Things like this come into fashion all the time...and then die out just as quickly. Douche-bag hats (see previous post) are in now, but pork-pie hats were in once, ten gallon hats, derby's, panamas, boaters, fedoras, even truckers hats have been popular. Just think of styles like the mullet, bell-bottom jeans, hot pants, parachute pants, Nehru jackets, and baggy pants. Some styles come full circle...beards were really popular in the 60's, then mustaches in the 70's, then goatees in the 80' and 90's, then shaved heads, now beards are back. One thing you can count on is that popular styles will come and go....and years from now, everyone will make fun of today's styles. Just like we do about past styles.

But here's the best part. Somewhere along the line tattoos and body piercings became a fashion statement. And guess what Ms. 20-something hipster.....someday you will be Mrs. 40-something-slightly overweight soccer mom....only you'll have full sleeve tats, giant stretched out earlobes, and scars from all your face piercings! The only evidence of me with long hair, a mustache and bell-bottom jeans is a couple old photographs....but you'll be living that shit everyday...for the rest of your life. What seemed like a good style sense back in 2007, is now permanently stained on your body. Way to go.

So to all you guys jumping on the ukulele band wagon, wear your goofy hat, dress in period clothing, put the harp rack around your neck, strap some cymbals between your knees, stomp on a tambourine, stick a kazoo up your ass, go crazy, have fun with it. But seriously, don't get one tattooed on the side of your neck. It's a BAD idea.

Does this hat make me look like a tool?

Answer: Yes.

There is regular chatter in the "uke community" about hats. Specifically pork-pie, fedoras, trilbies and the like. I'm not sure why, but something about "quirky" hats appeals to the same types of folks that are attracted to the ukulele.

Sadly, there are very few people who can pull off a hat without looking like a douche-nozzle. Howling Hobbit, Craig Robertson, Aldrine G - these guys can rock a hat. It just works.

But here's the thing. Because guys like the ones I listed can pull it off - there are others who think "maybe I can get away with it..." If you find yourself asking this question, allow me to assist you and save us all some embarrassment. No. You can't rock a hat. You will look like a smacked-ass tool-bag, etc... - in short, a pretentious moron.

You see my friends, cool is self-evident. You can't make it happen. Unless you are already pretty cool, a quirky hat will only amplify your lame. For that matter - most everyone looks idiotic in a pretentious hat. It's very unlikely that the strength of your charisma will overcome that. Particularly because it's unlikely that you have any charisma to begin with.

I confess, I've been tempted to try a greek fisherman's cap, or maybe an old fashioned Springsteen-in-the-70's newsboy cap... I understand the urge. Trust me, it'll just be inconsiderate of those who don't want to hurt your feelings. Don't put them in that position.

Hope this saves you some time, and more importantly, saves me from having to tell you that you look like you are wearing a bad Yogi bear costume.