Monday, November 30, 2009

Adelle's Weekly Bitch Session: Bathroom Spotter

Bathroom Spotter: the person sitting closest to the restroom in a restaurant (or other public place) should totally be responsible for telling you whether or not said bathroom is occupied!

Don't ya think?!

You go up, you knock... yr listening... maybe there's a faint rustling in there, not really sure. You knock again, ear pressed to the door... still not positive you're hearing anything. So you try the door knob only to find it locked, but you've already jiggled it really loudly & probably in what appears to be a menacing &/or desperate manner to the person that's in there. "Just a minute!" they bellow... they have suddenly gone from mute to yelling.

You have to walk back to your seat, past the lady sitting directly in front of the bathroom door. She gives you a look. It's smug... it's "Hmmph"... it's "Somebodies in there, eh?". You give her a look back. It's "Where were you on that one, bitch? Could'a let me know... help a sister out!".

Bathroom spotter... I'm telling ya...

So you sit back down & you watch the bathroom door. Eventually it opens... somebody comes out & does that "Whoa.. where the fuck am I?" thing where you turn your head from side to side & pan the whole room because for some reason going in the bathroom makes you forget where you were sitting in the restaurant.

But you stay seated for a minute longer, even after they get out, don't you? Try to make it look casual... don't want them to KNOW you're the door-knob-jiggler...

Have you ever walked in on someone in a public bathroom, or been walked in on?

I was walked in on once in a fast food restaurant bathroom by a little Mexican child.

She was probably about 10 or so & shut the door immediatly. No big deal, right? I went & sat back down with my friends to finish my food, didn't even feel the need to mention it to them.

When suddenly, I was approached by a Mexican couple & the same little girl. They drag her over yelling all excitadly in Spanish... speaking incredibly fast & loud. They basically push her up to me, still talking hurriedly at her. They shutup long enough for her to say "I'm sorry." then they both smile at me & say "She sorry." then grab the girl & drag her away yelling in Spanish again.

My friends mouths are just hanging open. "Duuuuuude.... what the fuck just happened?"


Grumpy Coyote said...

I love the folks who say nothing when you knock. Like deer in headlights they just cower in there, clenching presumably.

I make a huge deal out of it. "Hey buddy, you poopin'?"

And then, when they come out I give them a loud round of "Oh, hell no - get back in there and wash your hands!..."

RussBuss said...

when the boys room is occupied, i head straight for the girls room. when i come out and there's a line of women waiting, i just talk like Mrs. Doubtfire and wave my hands behind my butt like i destroyed the place.

UkeNinja said...

I smell a song.

Baron said...

Last week at the office, I went to the bathroom for a well deserved dump. While doing so I photographed my facial expression with my phone and send it to my office buddies, including the female ones. It was very much appreciated.

Mugambismonkey said...

I think the most embarrassing thing in a public men's room is when you're standing there in a row to pee, but you just can't because the room's so crowded. And the more you think "I wish I could pee", the more you can't. Then you wonder "What is my neighbor thinking, who is peeing away like a leak tanker?" And maybe "Dammit, they may think that I just took out my wiener to pretend I needed to pee but in fact I just wanted to stare at their wieners"... and so on. And each thought you may have in this situation will prevent you from actually peeing.

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